Vertigo. Isn't That a U2 Song?

Vertigo. As of Thursday, December 8, 2005, I beleived it to be 1. a recent U2 Song; 2. an old lady condition that didn't really mean anything - because it had something to do with an Alfred Hitchcock film; and 3. Another name for fear of heights.

Well, what can I say. I don't always track down the proper meaning of things. My head just creates a definition and most times I run with it.

Turns out that Vertigo, or Positional Vertigo, or Labrythitis is actually the sensation that one has imbibed ALL the booze, and the spinning of the Earth at 60 rpsecond isn't going to stop anytime soon, if ever. Oh, and it makes you want to barf the entire time.

Friday after lunch, I made Mr. Zoom take me home. I felt like the top of my cranium was going to spin off and I would have welcomed it. I would bet that if you looked me in the eyes, you would have seen Tom and Jerry type pupils going in little circles.

By Saturday nothing had improved. In fact, the more I laid down to try and sleep it off, the more spinning the world would do. I finally agreed to go to the emergency walk in. After a 4 hour wait, the dr. gave me a prescription for a motion sickness pill and sent me on my way. "Oh, and the pill will make you drowsy." More like out cold, actually. The receipt said diagnosis: Labrythitis. Wasn't that a David Bowie movie in the 80s?

I've never been so scared in all of my life. I realize that sounds all kinds of mello-dramatic in the face of what it actually turned out to be. BUT, prior to the hangover disease (that's exactly what it felt like to me, so that's what I call it) I had never known anyone to have this condition, nor had I ever bothered to learn about it as discussed above. When it first started and wouldn't let up, I was sure I'd be out of work for a very long time and that I was in for all kinds of neurological testing. Isn't bizarre vision a brain tumor thing?

And back in my 20s, I had been through years of brain chemical testing and really REALLY didn't know if I could do it again. Or if they did it again, if they could find another answer like they did the first time around.

When I would start to overreact by letting the what ifs fly, Mr. Zoom would give me a shut up pill and within an hour I'd be snoring and drooling on myself just like any other day. Guaranteed 4.5 hours of peace in each tablet. For both of us.

I got the final word and a lot of helpful information from my Gatekeeper Physician (I have an HMO) today. It is just Positional Vertigo. He even gave Mr. Zoom and I a little piece of paper with a manuever on it that should "make the sand in my ear go away so that the gyroscopes in there can work properly again." I was incredibly annoyed that the walk in physician didn't mention that. But whatever. It is what it is.

Gatekeeper Physician did the move and noted my shimmy eyes. He did it again and all seemed to fall into repair.

I now feel like a huge ninny for all the worring I did. And all of the grr I flung at the t.v. Every healthy individual I saw in a commercial got a telepathic message from me: "You like that steady eyesight? Better not take it for granted. You might end up like me someday."

And actually, the lesson isn't lost on me. I'm still a little woozy, but at least I don't feel as if I'm on beezlebub's merry-go-round...and I won't have to go through this Christmas saying "Happy Holidays!" and then running to the loo to call the seals. Because running while dizzy makes me miss the doorway unless I line up on it like a bowler with a mean hook in her throw.

I don't know if it's Thanksgiving late or Christmas early, but either way I'll take it and appreciate it.