That's right. You heard me.
Let me break it down. I sometimes think my body was the experiment. The hot dog body made with body part by products. There is some symmetry; both my head and my feet are far too teeny for my torso and MY GIANT LEGS.
It occurs to me that I'm using the wrong adjective. Giant isn't correct. Long is better. My legs are far too long for my teeny little feet.
Or my non-existent torso.
I'm 5'8". I have a 34 inch inseam. I'm not skinny and I don't think I'm considered "fat". But, you'd never know that by the "size" on my clothes. There was a time when I hovered between 115 and 125lbs. Even then, I'd be struggling to get into a size "9" because of my legs.
And my Mom. Oh, she would always say: "The men, they love long legs like yours." My thoughts were "Why? Because I can't find clothes to wear and I'm nekkid?" or "But...isn't having that much leg just a barrier to that which they are trying to get at?"
I can't tell you how long it took me to realize that I simply can't purchase pants from anywhere but the Gap, Old Navy, Lerner, or Eddie Bauer. And even then, some of these stores sell the long only on line, where they are forever sold out. And even when I find them, the waist on the pants nearly reaches my girls. That's a swell look. But at least "long" is being manufactured now. And the styles don't scream short bus like they used to.
And now, for the worst segue ever - because there isn't one....
Last night in the car, Mr. Zoom and I started a discussion about how/when we can retire.
Probably never, so I started with the crazy talk:
Me: "We can build a time machine, go back in time and tell ourselves to save every single dime we make so that we can retire NOW. "
Mr. Zoom: "Nah, I'd figure out which stocks are going to do really well - and knowing that I'd go back in time and invest or win the lottery or something."
Me: "No, NO! We can't do that! If we cheat and try to get money the easy way, we will end up with only one working eyeball or deformed noses or something. Because, if you don't work hard for the result, something will make you regret doing it the easy way.....I watch t.v. ...... I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
OK. I have whiolash from the segue. I mean...uh...non-segue. Firstly, long legged girlz ROCK. Just ask Mr. Zoom. He'll tell you. It's the anticipation of getting at what yer getting at as you lick from the toes up. Secondly...short bus loooking styles? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! SO GREAT! Uh...next...retire now. Collect cans. Drink maddog 20/20. Call it done. Time machines don't work cause every time you make that great move you cancel youself out on some other timeline. Finally, sextants rule.
I am psychotic. That is all.
Zoomy - you're legs are fine.
I think the only way I'm ever going to retire is call Mr. Peebody and get that time machine cranked up. Forget about the lottery, It's Vegas baby. place a couple of longshots. Truely the bast way is the old fashion way "insert John Houseman voice" SCAM IT. Become one of those Nigerian dudes who just needs a freind to help him cash that 12 million lottery ticket (BTW - My Nigerian buddy has stopped emailing me -- I miss him).
In reality, I think I'm destinedto spend my golden years as a Wal- Mart Greeter
Unless I wanna look like I'm waiting for Noah's ark to round the bend, I have to buy talls too. The Gap stopped making the jeans that I like, so now I spend my spare time scrounging through 2nd hand stores in the hopes that I'll find a pair in my size. You'd think I found a winning lottery ticket when I'm successful. But damn, they magically-mysteriously make my ass look sooo sweet. It's worth it for all the free drinks I get when I wear them to a bar.
Just call me the Gap Jeans Whore!
Whoosh! Hi spits. I dunno. I fall over a lot. But then again, that might just be me and have nothing to do with the size of my feet...
Post a Comment