Shredded Cheese: Stickier Than You Thought

Someone new and important started working at my office the other day. The only reason I know this is that our group took this person out to lunch. It wasn't a group decision. The Boss came over and told us we were all going to lunch with this person.

Um. ok.

I'm accustomed to watching our new hires tentatively go to lunch on their own for months before they hook up socially with another co-worker. We generally don't do the "hey, welcome and get to know us better" thing.

How much do I love lunches with co-workers (who don't know me) and bosses? I'd rather jump in the ocean with jeans on, and then wear wet, sand filled pants all day. Granted, it's been a good 15 years since I've experienced said wet sandy pants discomfort, but I'm telling you it would be better than these lunches.

So let me break down how not well this lunch session went:

1. There were so many people in our group, we got split up into two tables. I got stuck at the table with the boss and two other attorneys I work for. The new person we were supposed to be welcoming DIDN'T EVEN GET TO MEET THEIR NEW BOSS. Instead, that person got to sit with all the other people in our group, the very people in our group that DO know me, and I wouldn't be uncomfortable lunching with.

2. My boss involuntarily impersonated Scott Ian of Anthrax. With cheese.
Let me explain what I mean. If you don't know who Scott Ian is, try clicking this link -
http://images.google.com/images?q=scott+ian&hl=en

Do you see that beardie type thing hanging off of Mr. Ian's chin? Ok, now imagine my Boss - a distinguished business type person, dressed in a suit, more hair on his head and a Scott Ian beard of SHREDDED CHEESE. He had taken a bite out of his food, and the cheese, at least 3 shreds of it, had attached themselves to his chin and the free ends were waving around as he spoke of important business type things.

I was sitting next to him, and watched as the cheese flapped around in the direction of the other two attorneys at the table. Both of those attorneys were sitting across from him, so I kept shooting the one directly across from him the "OMG YOU SEE THAT - I know you see that - it's your duty to tell him he's RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!" look.

This particular attorney gave me the "No way in hell am I doing that. I'm not telling him, YOU tell him." look back.

Realizing I was about to lose a silent eyefight with an attorney, and in serious danger of laughing out loud at my Boss With Cheese On, I waited for the next available pause in conversation and elbowed the Boss while making the international "go like this" napkin signal.

The Boss shed his cheese and I whispered "kill me" into my diet coke. Approximately an hour later I was back at my desk wishing I had played hookie that day and been forced to wear jeans into the ocean.