Tuesday, May 08, 2007

With Apologies to Spider Girl...

Mr. Zoom is at work, I am not. Mr. Zoom might want to stop by the hardware store on the way home for a shield, a long reaching broom, a tranquilizer gun and a bag of Trader Joes Peanut Butter Filled Chocolate Covered Pretzles.

I'm not at the office for typical illness reasons. Those reasons usually require rest, do they not? Well we can totally forget that ever happening again. As I was fighting consciousness with my last gulp of medicine, I noticed a spot on the wall by the t.v. It came from behind a picture on the wall that I used to love.

I've never quite experienced this before. This limp noodle injected with adrenaline feeling. It's not fun. I feel like I chased a bottle of my "calm plane ride" pills with a case of red bull.

You can't tell here, but I've named that picture youvegottobekiddingme.jpg That spider is effing HUGE. I sure hope Mr. Spider and his friends like dvds and what we've done with the place. And his hairy, giant claws in the front can work the remote. Of that, I am sure.

He is not a black widow. He's got a large white spot on his butt. And his legs have red bands on them, although you can't see that here. And way too much fuzz on his GIGANTIC CLAWS. Everything on the web says he's some kind of jumping Philiieeejeebleeedoodah. Doesn't have a web, but prefers to hunt his prey, and he's got FANTASTIC eyesight.

I will now blame Mr. Zoom for earning a living while I had to run away from this thing in our living room. I got pictures by hiding behind our giant t.v. Which is now really Mr. Spider's t.v.

Mr. Zoom will need the shield because I will make him find the spider. Even if it's moved on to another house, I'll make him hunt it down. Did I mention that IT JUMPS! And don't tell me it won't jump on, near or at me. We've all seen the recent story of the little boy with a spider living IN HIS EAR. I might be unreasonable, but even I won't send Mr. Zoom out after a jumping, colorful, hairy christmas tree of a spider without a shield.

The broom he's going to need, because as we've seen before, I will be running in circles an screaming the whole time. I won't keep more than one foot on the ground the entire time, as if that's a guarantee of non-spider interraction. I won't be able to hand him anything. And I'll want to burn the broom after the deed.

The tranq gun can be used on both Me and the Spider. Although I do ask that I get my dart before Mr. Spider gets his. Mr. Zoom can lure me back into range with the Peanut Butter Chocolate Covered Pretzels. He can dart me, the spider and then enjoy his house and t.v. in peace for the first time EVER.


BostonPobble said...

This is easily the Most Frightening Thing I have EVER seen. EVER. You have more respect than I can express for staying in the room long enough to take pictures of it from behind the t.v. ~ let alone look at it long enough to get a description. I am barely coherent enough to comment having only seen your pictures. Seriously ~ you should hear the shit going on in my head right now. Think I'll go shower...

Scariest Thing EVER.

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

I am not afraid of spiders, but I'm afraid of that thing. Good luck to you, Zoom... if we don't hear from you again, we'll know what happened to you! *munch*

Rev. Brandy said...


I can totally relate.

I used to live in an apt. that backed to woods, and we had Wolf Spiders. Oh, yes. Wolf Spiders. As a matter of fact, I'll just Google for you and enclose a link. Those suckers are BIG, furry and JUMP. I had to capture or kill my fair share --- mostly because the rental office didn't believe I had gigantic mutant jumping spiders overtaking my apartment, and it wasn't pleasant. They were so big, I used to think I was hallucinating when I would see them. So big that the mouth of a jar would sometimes not get their leg span, when I would try to capture them. Yeppers.