Monday, April 30, 2007

Hairbrain. Band in a Van and Wife with a Cam.

A little while back, Mr. Zoom and I headed out to Vegas for some ice hockey. On the way there, I spied out of my passenger window:

Turns out that The Hairbrain! is a band and they were on their way to tour in Vegas. You can see their myspace page -

which is how I figured out what the heck this was all about. I'm not their target audience, but because I grew up on a heaping dose of Dead Kennedys, GBH, Social D, Crass and the Vandals - I can appreciate their tunes a bit.

At first I was sad that it wasn't some family of gypsies that had some strange need to give their inner voices outer voices via masking tape. But I got over it. With the price of gas these days, it should have been simple math - even for a zoom: Anyone with a legit crazy van probably can't afford gas AND several rolls of masking tape. That combination definititely needs record company backing.

Speaking of getting in a car ...

Mr. Zoom does this thing every time he gets in a car. I can't really explain it well. He wiggles his pants, shirt and jacket just so. Then he reaches for the seatbelt, belts in, and re-adjusts everything. And it's not to make comfortable his unit, either. IT IS TO MINIMIZE WRINKLES!

This kills me every stinking time. To me, this is a hell of a lot of energy to put into getting the least amount of wrinkle out of my ride to ....wherever. I figure that if people can't imagine my outfit without the wrinkles I obtained by riding in the car, then to heck with em.

For a while now, I've been thinking about how I can sneak the camera in the car on video so that I could show the world this car seat dance he does. And tonight, I succeeded.


The first part of video I took, I was holding the camera so that he couldn't see I had it out and activated. The video therefore only caught his " long has that been running?" and an extreme close up of his jacket.

I turned it off, and then I thought "No, he's going to have to do his dance, and if the camera is on...he'll still do it. You know he can't NOT do it, so turn it back on!"

And I did. Although we ended up giggling more than we did show you his crazy. And the more I try to not talk on video (because I hate my voice), the worse it sounds when I squeak something out.

Oh, and you are going to hear Mr. Zoom reference the boob hurt a few times. Turns out that when ramping up for girlie time, I am a non-stop too much information giver when it comes to the status of my girls and their hormonal side effect symptoms. I think I've unintentionally de-sensitized him to the words/phrase "OH MY GAWD MY BOOBIES HURT...stupid uterus."

He knows this means careful time.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Captain And Passenger of the Ship of Fool

Apparently pumping my own gas and minimal skills of observation mutually exclusive activities. For me.

I went to our friendly neighborhood gas station. It was on the way home. I've been there before. For doughnuts.

Normal, right?

First of all, there are these screens that jibber jabber news and weather at you. I failed to capture this screen in the picture, but I'm sure you all know what I am referring to. I was watching the weather guy and I became fascinated with the way his voice would go before his lips moved. The audio was outrunning the video. This caused me to mistakenly punch my work zip code on the key pad. I was rewarded with the notification "PUMP LOCKED." Ah crap. So I had to do the debit card route and put in my pin.

After getting a screen telling me I managed to release funds from my account, I grabbed the big green nozzle. I tried to get it into my gas tank. It did not fit. I kept trying. Because in my world, if it doesn't fit - I probably did it incorrectly and need to keep trying. After a few more failed attempts and a close inspection of the nozzle - I decided that I'd push the little button on the machine where you pick the grade of gas you want.

Because by doing that, the nozzle would magically fit in my gas tank. Seriously. I half believed that.

I saw that the big GIANT green button indicating DEISEL was lit up and BLINKING at me. And I thought "hm. That's odd. Don't want that." So I spent a good twenty seconds trying all three buttons to the right of the green one, color coded grey, white and red. And could NOT figure out why I could not get any of them to realease the go-go liquid. "What's the problem? YOU HAVE ACCESS TO MY MONEY, GIVE ME GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS!"

After giving up on the buttons, I then turned my attention back to the nozzle tried to AGAIN put it into my gas tank. If there was an award for retardation marinated in determination, I would have won it. Probaly two of them. Like, they would have had to give me next year's too - so I could walk home with one in each hand to avoid falling over.

I finally turned around and realized "Oh, I get it. Diesel Fuel Only." I was annoyed that this pump was not labled better. "Why wouldn't they let us know this is a Diesel Only pump? How annoying."

So I replaced the green nozzle, got in my truck, drove around the island and parked in front of a pump on the other side. And do you know what I saw?

Yesirreee. It was the exact same set pump set up. Know why? Because normal people realize there's also a big black nozzle on the right that dispenses non diesel fuel!!

And I'd be lying if I said that upon seeing the exact same pump set up I had just rejected, I didn't think "Woah, did this station become only diesel fuel at some point and I just didn't notice?"

Friday, April 20, 2007

Quit It With the Food Poisoning

Look, you don't have food poisoning. What you have, if you MUST tell me about it, is THE FOOD FLU.

I get it. You are uncomfortable, you feel like crap and you don't have control of bodily functions. I've been there too. BUT, if you aren't at work for only one day because of this - or you are feeling somehow obligated to give an excuse - don't use the word poisoning.

Poisoning, to me, implies someone purposely tried to get you. Intentionally and with clever planning. Not the kind of discomfort you got when YOU chose to eat food from some hinky place that serves a combo plate of tummy rumbler and clown agitator. This meal which you adore because sometimes, piss poor quality food just tastes good.

Just like rain is not a storm. Don't be the evening news. Don't go on storm watch just because someone here in California was reported to have used their windshield wipers. For a full sweep and a half.

Granted, you might not always knowingly eat dodgy entrees, but unless you are now in communication with the CDC, realize you are the victim of the FOOD FLU.

Not poisoning.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I Don't See Why Not

On the way to the office today, Mr. Zoom and I were in a rare moment of silence. We were stopped at a light with one car ahead of us. Mr. Zoom began to speak for the driver of the car "Oh yay, I bought a car in Hawaii....oh darn, I'm moving to California."

This amazed me. Because I could not figure out how he knew this particular car was purchased in Hawaii. There was a little "Hawaiian" flower type decal on the rear window, but I've seen those on lots of cars. If he had said to me "I know because I'm magic", I probably would have believed him.

"How in the world do you know that car came from Hawaii?"

Apparently the plate frame covered up the word Hawaii on the plate, and all that was visible was a rainbow background and the text of the plate itself. I did not know this was a standard Hawaii plate.

"...the licence plate? It's a Hawaii plate."

"Oh. Oh? Really? It's not a customizable plate for gay?"

"You are a miracle. NO Zoom, that is not a customized gay plate. California has come a long way with the acceptance of gay, but there is no rainbow gay pride plate you can buy from the DMV."


I did check, by the way. And there is no gay pride plate available from the DMV. But I do think there should be. They could make them with rainbow triangles.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Turn off the Camera, Monkey.

Mr. Zoom is not impressed with slightly open drawers and cabinets. I am indifferent to them - at least I was. Now that I know how much it pushes Mr. Zoom's impulsive correction activity button, well, you know I must play with that.

So one night while he was out at an early hockey game, I set up the kitchen in total slightly open drawer/cabinet.ness.

He's totally on to me though. I had set this up so I'd be on the couch with the camera and could get a little video of him fixing everything. Instead, he walked in and said "Turn off the camera, monkey. No, really. Turn it off."

He knew right away that I was filming. My camera's batteries have been failing lately, and I had mistakenly adjusted the volume to be non-existent, so the video I did get isn't even a good souvinier.

We've been super busy lately. I know that word gets thrown around a lot. I used to use it every day. "I'm so busy." I now need a new word. Because what I've been up to in the last two months blows "busy" right out the window of my car and throws it under a couple of semi-trucks passing by.

Yesterday we got invited to a Kings Hockey game. It's the end of the season, and the game meant absolutely nothing as far as games go. I think the person who had the tickets had them given to her by the season ticket holder. The seats were amazing. The game may have meant nothing as far as the season goes, but I sure had a fantastic time watching at least 3 fights that broke out (on the ice). Helmets flew off, so did gloves.

Anyone out there listen to Tom Leykis? He showed up at the game. I had heard him say he had season tickets to the Kings, and goes to every game. He came in about the second period of the game and was sitting at the end of the row. Or at least I believe it was him. I tried to get a few shots of him to compare later at home with his website, but I super suck at it. I would make the suckiest paparratzi ever. All the shots I attempted came out blurry, or someone moved at the last second and blocked him.

The best I could do was upon returning from the loo, taking this shot from above where we were all sitting. All you can see is the back of his head.

Mr. Zoom said to me at one point in my photo evidence quest "He totally knows you are trying to take a picture of him." I, with 1/2 a beer in me said "AH so? He's in public. He can totally wear it."

As if I run into the famous every day or something. I like to think I would just let them be, unless it was someone from Scrubs. I'd have to tell any cast member from Scrubs that I LOVE the show. I know it's cliche and lame and they are so sick of it - but I can't control myself in regular life. Faced with a scentient being from a show I adore? Yeah, I'd gush.

For example, on our way to dinner after the game, we got lost on the streets of LA. As we were turning around in one very nice neighborhood (proof that we were so in the wrong place), Mr. Zoom said "HEY, THERE'S JASON STATHAM!". And we looked to our right and I'll be damned if it wasn't him on the sidewalk talking to someone. As much as we love Statham and his movies, we didn't leap out of the car and run up to him. I didn't even attempt to get the camera out. He didn't even have "people" around him.

And the KOPITAR jerseys were everywhere! We always sing the Der Kommisar song when we see the name. Ok, only I do that. Mr. Zoom has more class than I do.