What's so Funny?

Our house was built a long time ago. It is the fact I bring up every single time I blow the fuses in the house with my hair dryer or the vacuum cleaner. Mr. Zoom has never managed to do this, no matter how much electric stuff he has running in the house at one time. Apparently only I have the power.

One of our lights was set up on this antique timer that was built into the wall:




To fully appreciate it, you have to see the combination lock type set up one has to work with in order to get it to do anything resembling "useful". Or, working at all. Ever.



So one day on the way home from work Mr. Zoom throws this comment out:

"Yeah, I'm going to replace that thing. Because it's not working right and I'm always afraid I'm going to open the stargate whenever I mess with it."

I laughed so hard the rest of the way home, I think I snorted. And he really didn't think it was all that funny. He married me, so his point of views are obvioulsy invalid anyway.

While walking to our car through the parking lot last week, I saw this:



Which I also thought was hilarious. And I haven't even seen the movie, nor do I know who's car that is.

Yesterday, one of the baby falcons that lives on our office building landed on my boss' window ledge and proceeded to squawk his little head off. He had brought a round...lunch with him. I couldn't really get good pictures because the camera didn't want to focus on the bird, and I didn't want to scare him off.







The only reason I know it is a falcon is because when we all first noticed the birds we called them hawks. A co-worker wrinkled his nose in disgust and informed us all that it was a FALCON, not a hawk. And how silly of us to make such a pedestrian mistake, but, you know, not many people bother to learn the difference.

I still don't know how to tell the difference, because I tuned out as soon as our lack of intelligence was thrown on the floor and danced upon by some guy who apparently became a real estate attorney so he could wow a bunch of unsuspecting people with his amazing bird knowledge?

FAIL.

You Need Proper Supervision

There's just not a lot going on in my world these days.

I did witness our self proclaimed cougar hunter stalking one of our very cougar, single employees. He scored a dollar to buy some chips out of the vending machine, for himself AND another friend of his. I felt like I needed to boil myself for having been in the office kitchen when the deal went down. I did add a round of eye rolling to the general ambiance, but silently endured the willies the rest of the time.

Oh, and there was a company potluck, but there was a fight about who would get to bring the fruit bowl. Yes. Yes there was.

Mr. Zoom has had to chase me off of the science channel a couple of times, since there are many specials about black holes and theories of planet creation. I'm fascinated, but after watching those I can't sleep. I get that ticklie bottomless pit anxiety that comes from learning you might be sucked into a massive, mostly invisible, space quick sand AT ANY TIME - and I'll probably turn inside out in the process. Or that our universe is basically an accident residing on the inside of something even larger than can be comprehended. It's the Nova String Theory special all over again. I don't need a reason for life to be what it is - I try and enjoy it as much as I can while I'm here - HOWEVER I got here. And I know that these happenings are not very likely - just possible. Nevertheless, it yanks the carpet out from under me, which causes my yap to flap at Mr. Zoom when he's trying to go to sleep.

Oh, and then I also start throwing words at Mr. Zoom (like Singularity) as if they are a perfectly natural and long time member of my vocabulary. Sometimes he just takes it in stride, other times he has to stop what he's doing so he can rub his face in that defeated way that husbands do.

When Mr. Zoom and I are around the house and I need his attention, I flip on the Lifetime Channel. He's afraid of it (and to tell you the truth, so am I). I've even threatened him "If you don't _______ now, I'm going to sit down and watch Lifetime." Usually what is at stake is that I'm hungry and ready to get something to eat, and he's not quite there yet. Instead of being an adult and going on my own way, I use terrorist tactics to bring him around to my point of view. There's a Lifetime in the HD channels now, I wonder how fast I can get lunch with that thing!

What do you know, it's dinnertime!

Tourette's Marketing. Ur Doing it Wrong.

Last night Mr. Zoom had finally gotten me to pick a place for dinner. Since he was going out to buy some milk he wanted to make things simple. I'm a gigantic pain in the ass when it comes to picking a place to eat. I don't want to be, but I am. I was going over what I wanted to order with him - well, to be honest I was changing what I wanted every .5 seconds - when he finally said "look, just tell me what you want and I'll go from there." Sensing that he was interested in getting a move on - I said "Awww, come on. We've had sex! And in a post sex high, aren't you supposed to find everything I say riveting and fabulous?"

And without skipping a beat, he said "No no no nooooo. That's BEFORE we have sex. Not after." I almost high fived him for that one.

He went on his way and I settled onto the couch for some T.V. and Nintendo DS lite while I waited for him. I was surprised when about 15 minutes later my doorbell rang. I thought for sure it was Mr. Zoom, who likely had his hands full and needed me to unlock and open the door for him. I looked out the peep hole to be sure it was him, and it wasn't. There were two people I didn't recognize out there, and I could hear one saying through the door - and what he thought was under his breath - "please don't freak out - please don't freak out - please don't freak out" Which of course, made me freak out. Silently, but still.

They had heard me thud my way to the door, and when I hadn't responded one of them said "HELLLOOOOO." I kept the door closed and shouted back "UH, my husband isn't home at the moment."

What's wrong with me? If these are bad people, why don't I let them know I'm home alone! That's a fantastic idea! Not only that, but apparently I'm a 1950s housewife who can't take care of anything without the Husband? It would have been even better if I was dragging a vacuum around the house with me and I called it a sweeper or something.

Team Marketing wasn't giving up, and I was told (as I was still watching through the peep hole), "Aww, come on lady. He's got tourettes [pointing at his pal]. He needs to practice. Will you just let him do the presentation?"

Whether or not I fit the definition of LADY on paper, it still makes me uncomfortable when people say it at me. Although I really couldn't blame him since I pulled the I'm-Incapable-without-A-Husband thing. But I also couldn't figure out what the other guy's tourettes had to do with anything. And was positive that he probably didn't appreciate having those facts yelled through a door.

"No thank you." I said. I watched them through the door, their shoulders dropped in the realization that I had indeed, freaked out and refused to open the door. They said "Do you want a free paper?" I declined. They left.

Mr. Zoom got home. We ate dinner. I didn't want to share the story of Team Marketing with him just yet. And, I do believe he'd already told me earlier that very day that "Just because people talk to you, it doesn't mean you have to respond."

What he's really saying is "One of these days, someone is probably going to punch ME for something YOU said."

"Giant White Noise Machine"

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