Sunday, December 03, 2006

My Heart Swells with Cable Provider Love

There is little I adore more than being on the couch in my jammies with a blanket, watching all the t.v. I can absorb. I realize this is not a healthy, admirable or inspiring habit. I do not care. It makes me oh so happy, and life is too short not to find what makes you happy and do it.

Wittgenstein can totally bite me and then wear it.

I spend a LOT of time in the On Demand. That is the channel that our cable company provides where you can buy movies to watch. Some are good, some are absolute trash. I love them all. I like to pick some indie film and then go to IMDB after I watch it to see what other people thought. One recent pleasant surprise was "Brothers of the Head". Wonderfully dark, twisted mocumentary that won't leave you easily.

Today I was browsing categories when Christmas came early to the Zoom household. Cleverly disguised as "Special Interests", which to me usually means documentaries...

Behold my next false story to strangers about how I met my husband: Dating On Demand.

I can still hardly believe this exists.

So of course I had to find out what the man of my dreams was like. After all, I've spent all this time believing he snores me out of bed every night and laughs when I trucker burp, without following up with divorce papers.

The anticipation nearly killed me.


Turns out I don't dream like other people?


But to prove I wasn't just thinking about myself, I decided to see what kind of replacement wife Mr. Zoom could have if .. say.. trucker burping becomes unamusing to him. I picked from the girl next door category.


I previewed the reason she's a good catch. "You should date her because you'd be loved and treasured. Now if that's not a good reason, we don't know what is!"


Mr. Zoom definitely deserves to be loved and treasured.


Although not by a pirate.

You may have noticed under "Dating on Demand", there is a submenu called "Something Weird". GLEE washed over me AGAIN!


I haven't had time to see all the weird goodness in here, but I was immediately drawn to SCHOOL SCARE FILMS!!


LSD Insanity. YEEEEES! Although it's not very cool - since the film itself asks "LSD, Insight or Insanity", and the title in On Demand gives you the answer straight away. Because I was leaning towards insight at first...


You get pure, uncut, retro educational filmage without the homework!


This poor woman mistook a flame from her gas stove for a carnation. Flower. Flame. Easy mistake.


And it's all in the Free Zone! I haven't been this happy since I found the submenu from the IFC channel that plays indie films for free that are in theaters now!


The Idiot said...

Note to self



Leave the wife unsupervised with the TV. God help me if she ever finds the HSC, QVC or the "Build A Thermonuclear Device With Simple Household Items" channel.

BostonPobble said...

I am on my way over, in my pajamas, to watch this fabulous new thing you have discovered.

Polyman3 said...

Me thinkest thou has too much time on her hands. Stop the insanity!
Brothers of the head? Is it about custodians?
...Well, I guess it's O'kay, your new hobby seems innocent enough...and how could trucker burps ever become unamusing? Sounds like your on a new path of ON Demand exploration.
Good Luck.

PS. Found your 6 wierd things quite amusing, little Zoooom.

theresa said...

Would you hate me if I told you that someone in my home works for the cable company? This year I was his back-up date to the cable company holiday party. I got to chat it up in cable-eese with 640 cable guys and gals while enjoying a crappy buffet and cheap off-brand liquor. Next year YOU should be the "back-up”. You'll have a great time. They give away TONS of cable-prizes.

AndyT13 said...

I suffer TV hypnosis so no matter what's on I stare and drool. If there's a TV in the bar of a restaurant I'm in I have to sit so I can't see it or I can't stay with the table conversation. Pisses off my dates too. Did you know that your brain produces alpha waves (the same pattern you make when sleeping) after ten minutes of TV no matter what you watch? It's all the same to your brain. Zzzzzz. I have a 27 inch TV but it's only ever on to watch DVDs. I should get netflix! Nice to see you posting my dear. Best to you and Mr. Zoom.

Tai said...

That's hilarious!
I haven't watched tv in months, I had NO IDEA what I was missing!