Monday, March 26, 2007

Not a Pretty Post

This post is going to scream all kinds of innuendo and wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Welcome to my life.

Tide to Go Pen. My favorite office supply. Wait, no. I lied. It's my second favorite office supply. Mr. Zoom is first, then the TTGPen. I've used one of these at least a hundred times to get coffee off of the front of my shirt. The pen, not the Mr. Zoom. He just says things like "Maybe you shouldn't drink coffee in the car."

Yeah, that's a viable solution alright. How about you just not point that out to me. Ramping up for girlie time or no, simple logic like that pushes my squirrelly button and makes me give you angry crazy eyeball. It's still going to be your fault - no matter what. You should probably just say "awww" and let it go at that.

About two weeks ago, I was in Mr. Zoom's office and we were discussing general not work stuff with one of the people in his department. This co-worker happens to be gay. The reason you might need to know that will become obvious in a moment.

Mr. Zoom had told JSHTBGG (Just So Happens To Be Gay Guy) that I was a kindred spirit of his. The reason? JSHTBGG had spilled something on his shirt that day, and apparently does this with the same frequency that I do. I immediately asked him if he's ever used the TTGpen in order to help himself with those situations. Before Mr. Zoom or I could continue that I use and LOVE the TTGpen, JSHTBGG offered:

"Oh my God - those things smell like ass. Know how I know? I used one once. A while later, I was at the fax machine and some other guy was there too. I thought 'gee, this guy smells like ass. That's awful.'. Later, I realized it was my own shirt that made that awful smell and it was the Tide to Go Pen that specifically made that smell. Those things are awful - I threw it away and never used it again."

Now here I am. I'm listening to an openly gay man talk about what he claims is the smell of ass. Am I about to question him? No. What kind of evidence could I possibly have that he can't literally rebut with "yeah, but I know what ass smells like." I said rebut.

What I do is keep all kinds of quiet about my own use of the TTGpen and how I like it. And how I might not have the level of experience with ass smell that other people might - I have never had the TTGpen ever give off any scent that I could ever distinguish as belonging to IT or ASS or anything else, for that matter.

Today I'm at the office and my shirt is still coffee-less. Until about 3 minutes after I arrived. I predictably shot coffee onto my shirt - in one of those unfortunate places. It looked like Big Rightie had decided to lactate coffee. I got my TTGpen out of my drawer - and paused. Did it really make shirts smell like ass? I took the cap off and gave it a snif. I smelled nothing at all. So I thought "Aw hell. I never run into Mr. Zoom or his department guys during the day. We are all so busy, we are all on different floors...and I've never run into JSHTBGG...I'm going to use it because Big Rightie can't look like a target all day long."

About 30 minutes later, JSHTBGG walked right up to my desk. First time in 6 months he's ever done this. He was asking me some questions about locating a co-worker on my floor. All I could think of was "DO I SMELL LIKE ASS?" After I clumsily directed him on where he needed to go, I sat down and continued to wonder if he knew I'd used the devil pen.

I sent an e-mail to Mr. Zoom to check (read from bottom up):

On your floor? No.

Our floor is supposed to be the floor of ass smell. What happened on your floor

From: Zoom, Mrs.
Sent: Monday, March 26, 2007 4:41 PM
To: Zoom, Mr.
Subject: Question:

Did JSHTBGG say anything about the smell of ass on my floor today?


I suppose I'm safe for today. Although I know there's a lot more coffee wearing in my future, and I desperately want JSHTBGG to say "No, I was wrong. TTGpen doesn't smell like ass. Turns out it was the result of an accident involving a defective container of laundry detergent and some peas." I need to be able to use the pen without fearing I smell like ass.

Just ask Mr. Zoom. I have been known to overreact when I'm convinced my deodorant has ceased working. He doesn't need this too.


BostonPobble said...

1. I have never known the TTGPen to smell of ass.
2. If you can't get over your concern about the possibility of the former NOT being the case in your situation, perhaps you could indeed ask JHTBGG if you smell of ass (after having explained the situation.)
3. If this is impossible (as I think it may be) might I recommend Shout Wipes. Perhaps not *quite* as convenient as the TTGPen but definitely no ass smell. AND strong enough to have removed red wine from a friend's wedding dress effectively.

Unacknowledged Genius said...

I just used a TTG pen to remove a mud stain from my tennis shoes...granted, it's kind of an old pen so this might be why...but while I wouldn't exactly describe it as smelling like ass it did have a distinct odd odor.

That sucker worked really well though.

Aisha T. said...

Yeah, I guess telling JSHTBGG that he has no idea what ass smells like would be futile. I need to carry around the TTG Pen. What a great idea! Maybe JSHTBGG might have been smelling something else--an accident of trodding on dog
s$#t that day and blaming it on TTG Pen? There are a million other things that could have contributed to the assiness odor that fine day.