Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Post Most Likely To Get Me Hate Mail

February is already Black History Month. I don't know who makes the official designation of what month will be what - but I've decided that February should actually be Me and My Coolie (Vagina, Cookie, Buscuit, Coochie, whatever term you prefer) month.

I'm not saying Black History Month isn't important. I believe it is. But, we need to give it to one of the 11 other months.

February has 28 days! C'mon! What further evidence could you possibly need in order to make this change? For those years with 29 days, we could have like, I don't know, Coolie Olympics instead.

I'd totally take Me and My Coolie Month ("M&MCM") a step further. You know how you are sitting around watching t.v. and some obnoxious commerical comes on about tampons, or maxi pads, PMS and menopause, that kind of thing? Well, I would make it so that those products could ONLY be advertized during the month of February. That's right. ILLEGAL to poke out the eyes and ears of the general public with femine concern commericals the rest of the year.

Oh my gosh, how great would that be?

I used to look forward to the day that my uterus would shrivel up and turn to dust. My biological clock definitely runs backwards. Unfortunately, every time I turn around lately some drug company is telling me that my human form will become nothing more than a vessel for draconian hormones of life change. That I will grow claws and fangs, and say "I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hot...no...wait....now I'm cold" while I perfunctorily slaughter anyone who innocently got too close to me when my expiration date came around.

I know I'd definitely be a lot happier if I didn't have to think about that all year.

6 comments:

The Management said...

Umm, I'm not sure how to comment on this...

Except to ask...

So which month would be M&MCM (or since "c" seems to be taken, M&MDM or M&MSM)... You know, for all us Vagina challenged out there...

Don't tell me we don't get a month 'cause "Every month is penis month." Thats's the same crap that cost us a White History month.

It's just so hard to be a straight white male in America.

Otter

If you need the FYI... Cock, Dick and Schlong.

Ryan said...

Hey, I like seeing the commercial with the boy and the girl in the row boat, and the boat gets a leak, and then the girl whips out her trusty Tampax Pearl. It's fun! :)

But what's with that one with all those people's stomaches marked up with a black permanent marker? It was fine when it just showed a bunch of girls, but now the drug works on dudes - so I have to look at a bunch of hairy potbellies. I forget what the drug is for... IBS or UTI or one of those. If everybody's marking themselves up with a marker, it should be for Adult ADHD. :p

Aisha T. said...

Me and my coolie. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Rev. Brandy said...

I am all for banning "feminine hygeine" commercials 11 months out of the year. Hell, ban them forever. We all know what's what in terms of products and needs. We don't need constant reminding from the likes of Massengill.

Otter's funny. He took the sarcastic words right out of my mouth, robbing me of the white-man's-burden joke. Tsk.

ZooooM said...

OTTER! You guys can totally have Octember as Peen Month!

And I've been spelling Schlong as Shlong all this time. Wouldn't be the first time I've mispelled critical words....won't be the last.

Ryan, I can't even stomach any medication ads. stomach. ha ha. see what I did there?

Aisha and Rev, glad to see you guys.

AndyT13 said...

Oh my, oh my...where to begin?!?!?
I don't know about anyone else, but as far as I'M concerned every month IS penis month. HEck I celebrate it every DAY! Um...don't ask HOW. Moving on...Black history month pisses me off because there's no need for a special month for it. Black people are American's just like me. Suddenly they have a different history? How about we teach history properly in school and then everyone will know and there won't be any more extra 'special needs' than we already have, hmmm? Not trying to take anything away from anyone, but that strikes me as needlessly divisive. THEIR history, OUR history...bah. 1 country, 1 history; get over it. Finally:
ALL medical/bodily funciton advertising should be BANNED, period. You need it like that? Let your parents or doctor tell you about it. Why do I have to be subjected to your problems? Hmm? If I see one more ad for a drug I can't tell what it does; I'm gonna bust a cap up in here! And those herpes drug ads...YIKES! Prevents outbreaks but won't stop the spread? OH great so now you can screw around and spread it, but NO ONE WILL KNOW! Fabulous. And furthermore...FURTHERMORE... pant pant pant... I got nothing else.
//Rant mode off
Happy You And Your Cooch Month!
-The Peen Man