Neurotic Consumerism

Mr. Zoom began reading dooce dot com waaay back before we were even dating. He was, and still is, in love with Heather Armstrong. I love me a good dose of dooce too, but for some reason I don't check in there daily. I seem compelled to click on defective yeti before I do most anything else.

Mr. Zoom had told me about dooce's book "Things I Learned About My Dad" a while ago. I knew we'd be buying one when it came out.

So imagine my surprise today when checking into defective yeti, and seeing dooce's book on 4-29-08's entry. Turns out that yeti has an essay in her book. And of course I didn't see this post until today, 4-30.

I shot an e-mail off to Mr. Zoom with the subject line: "What you WILL be buying at lunch today." He made some snarky comment that he might be willing to share his Dooce book with me, since Yeti contributed and all. But I had to be nice.

And I was proud of him for holding something I wanted out of arm's reach like that. I ramped up the bitch hackles and proceeded to outline every reason he was not only going to buy the book, but he would be buying two copies.

Yes. Two copies, one household.

First of all, Mr. Zoom has a rain dance he does with books. It consists of him purchasing hard cover books only, taking the dust jackets off, and then throwing the dust jackets away. When I found out about this before we were married, I made him swear he would never ever ever do that to any of "my" books. Trust me, if you knew Mr. Zoom in person - you would know just how counter-Mr. Zoom this action OUGHT TO BE. He buys and applies protective covers and stickers for his phones. He buys and applies them to MY phone and Nintendo DS, when I wouldn't bother to do so for myself.

I'd rather share my lunch and dinner with strangers for a week than bin a book's dust cover.

Second of all, Mr. Zoom loves his things and takes very very very very very good care of them. I could never and would never borrow something from him that he loves, much less a book by one of his favorite bloggers. I know me. I'd accidentally bend a page or drop a pretzel in there - and Mr. Zoom would never sleep again. I know this sounds weird, considering he's willing to throw away the covers, but it's just part of the retardation dance we do. And everyone should know that while Mr. Zoom admits he's a bit of a perfectionist freak - he has never ever ever made me feel bad about damage to a thing of his. It's always an accident and I believe it's me who makes me feel bad, not him. He's always super gracious about things like that.

All the same, I'd rather let the coffee shop birds fly in my hair and make a nest than borrow anything from Mr. Zoom I know I could not return in better than perfect condition.

For those two reasons, I told him he had a choice. He could either buy me a copy at the same time he bought "his", or I'd go out on my own and get one. But I would not, under any circumstances, borrow his.

You would have thought he asked for a french fry from my plate.

He came back from lunch and personally brought me my very own copy of the book. And how lucky were we? We got the very last two copies from the store near our office. He said they had to go in the back just to find them, and their computer says they were the only store in that chain that even showed they had any left in Orange County.

Awesome. While I realize that my uber crazy might might have deprived another customer from getting their own copy of the book, I'm too happy that I won't have to worry about accidentally dropping Mr. Zoom's copy off a freeway overpass. Because as unlikely as that may sound to the rest of you out there - it is always a possibility in my world. And this is a book I really really really want to read.

Formerly Amish Mom Reviews Harold and Kumar

I paid my parents a visit this weekend. They were very excited about a movie they saw and are positive that Mr. Zoom and I will love it.

I should have known something was wrong when the giggling started. "I picked the movie" my mom said. This is usually followed by things like "It was C Movie, and it was fantastic." "....you mean B Movie? The cartoon?" "YEAH, that one."

So here we go. She tried her best to get the title right "you know, Escape from GTO". Giggle Giggle Giggle.

My mind raced to match the attempted title to an actual one. OMG. "...do you mean Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay?" "YEAH" both parents said, "THAT ONE!"

"You saw and liked Harold and Kumar?.....wait. Did you guys even see H&K go to White Castle?"

"Yes." they said. "We thought it was kinda cute for a stoner movie."

My parents just said stoner movie. LOOK AT MY PARENTS. My mom wears sweaters with kittens and horses on them. Look at her hat. That's nearly a bushel of fake blue flowers on top of a straw hat she's wearing. My dad prefers hats that I can only refer to as "newsie" and scary. They both got really upset once when I made a joke about not being able to bring Mr. Zoom to a dinner party with family and how I was bringing my friend A instead, and was going to tell everyone that I had switched teams and she was my new lesbian lover. THAT got an "over the line" head tilt with a disapproving "ZOOM! Not funny." But Harold and Kumar? Apparently that's all kinds of good family fun.

"So wait. Battleshits? You guys are ok with Battleshits?"

"Oh, yeah. That's funny."

And then they went on.

*POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW*

"We were the only gray hairs in the theater with a ton of kids. You know, there's a part where instead of a topless club, it's bottomless. Get it? Bottomless?? So when one girl goes to take off her top, they say 'hey, what kind of establishment do you think we are running here?"

They thought this was the best joke ever.

"Then when they questioned the guy as to why he didn't have his bottoms off, he said 'but I do' and he stood up."

My mom takes over the story and continues "So here's this guy, he stands up and his penis is hanging out of this GIANT, and I mean HUGE bush. Just the biggest, most humungous bush. He's standing there at the table like that."

My dad contributes "You know how the guy who played Doogie Howser? He's in it, eating mushrooms and seeing unicorns. It's hilarious."

*SPOILERS OVER*

And that's when the screaming in my head started. It's still there.

...Have I Said Too Much?

like my gym because most of the time I can dodge the promotions with ease. Hands full of towel and gym bag make it nearly impossible for them to hand me anything, and the way they are generally set up, I can gauge when they are working with a victim and scoot past before they notice me. Timing is everything.

Unless they change their attack. One evening I scanned my card and the counter person said "Can I ask you a question?" Thinking perhaps there was an issue with my membership, I said "Will it hurt?"

He said "When was the last time you had your body fat ratio taken?" I looked to the side at that moment and saw a sign-up sheet. DRAT. I had been sneak promotioned!

Because I'm socially incapable, this is how I responded: "OH GOD NO." Just like that. I drew the attention of two more employees. "Look" I said, "I come here, I do the treadmill and I scurry home. That's it. That's all." I pointed at the treadmills on the second floor, as if he couldn't see them for himself.

The undeterred tried again "But, what are your goals?"

"I don't have any."

"None?"

"NONE. Treadmill. Home. That's it. I do realize this is your job and all. But I don't want any. Please, just tell me the magic words to say, or whatever I have to do so that I can not have to do whatever it is you are trying to make me do."

"Well, YOU COULD JUST KEEP WALKING."

I wish I could have seen my own face, because I bet it was a fantastical display of realization (why yes, yes I could just keep walking away - why do I not think of these things?), shock (I'm out? Already?), confusion (should I be offended?) and glee (he just told me to tell my story walkin! That's hilarious! That's the kind of response Mr. Zoom is really going to be sad he missed out on!)

When I reported the experience to Mr. Zoom, he said "The next time why don't you just shriek and run away instead of trying to talk. Because the results certainly can't be any worse than what happens when you do talk to people."

And he's so very right. But I know me. I have verbal hairballs. When they need to come out, they need to come out.

Flinging Poo

The Zooms have a long standing debate about crap film. Ok, not really long standing - because I literally just last month remembered that my most favorite guilty pleasure is the movie "Major Payne", but I have been giving Mr. Zoom a truckfull of crap for owning the DVD entitled "Aliens v. Predator" or "AVP" ever since I saw it in the Amazon box - what, it has to have been a couple of years ago now.

So while he has an entire DVD library full of craptacular film that I've purchased, he has only recently been able to fight back and defend his "AVP" because he caught me laughing like a wine-o on a roller coaster when I stumbled across "Major Payne" for free on TV last month. I watch most of the other bad choices I make when he's doing other stuff around the house and that way I'm able to quietly bury them in the DVD collection without drawing any attention to myself.

"I forgot how much I love this movie" I gushed when he came out from his office to find out what I was guffawing at. He watched for a few minutes and then ran out of the room while pinching his nose shut with his fingers. "That's your guilty pleasure!!" he yelled back as he fled. I was convinced he couldn't appreciate the hi-lar-ity of the movie because he didn't hear any of the fabulous lines. So the next day I found all my favorite quotes on imdb dot com and e-mailed them to Mr. Zoom. He wasn't impressed.

Today at the office, this debate flared anew. Except it was via e-mail, so I actually have a transcript of it. You will note that several times I attempt mathmatics - and fail, and that I end the debate by stating a fact not even in argument. This is what it is like to talk to us. You will thank us now for remaining childless:

____________________________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:20 AMTo: Zoom
Subject: I may put in a Amazon movie order today
Any wants?

I have these so far;

xxxx
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx
Aliens Vs. Predator 2
_________________________________________

From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:35 AM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


ALIENS V. PREDATOR 2? Do movies I pick have to ride in the same box?
________________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:37 AM
To: Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


I don't want to hear a peep out of you Sgt. Pooh or whatever the heck that Wayans brother movie is.
______________________________________

From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:38 AM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


yes but I DON'T OWN IT ON DVD. It's Major Payne. And again, DON'T OWN IT ON DVD.
_________________________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:40 AM
To: Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


The fact that you watched Colonel Turd even once is SO MUCH WORSE.

SO
MUCH
WORSE
_______________________________________________
From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:46 AM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


I DEFY YOU TO DEFEND THAT. How can watching something bad whenever it is on t.v. FOR FREE be worse than paying 10+ or - dollars for a steamy STEAMY pile of doo doo franchise like AVP? AND SHIPPING. YOU PAY SHIPPING.

Your purchasing of that smelly title(s) and bringing them into our beloved DVD collection is so much worse a violation than my watching and laughing at Major Payne for free. SOOOOOOO MUCH WORSE.

You are giving them a reason to make more. I am merely enjoying some bad film for free. Already out there. AND NOT IN OUR DVD COLLECTION.

TAKE THAT.
________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 12:05 PM
To: ZoomSubject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


It's simple math really.

Major Payne - very very high level of dookie - hence watched at all in any circumstance, travesty.

AVP - high turd level - watched or owned bad, but not worst

Here's the equation
(poohocity) + (interaction with movie) = (resultant LOSER score)

For Major Payne

1000000000000000000000000000000 X 10 = 10000000000000000000000000000000

For AVP
1000000000000000 X 10000000 = 10000000000000000000000

The winner, clearly, is Mr. Zoom. In order for you to refute this you'd have to do math. We both know that's not going to happen. So after even further review, the winner is Mr. Zoom.
_______________________________________________

From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 12:05 PM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today

Oh, no you are NOT pulling the math card on me.

Major Payne - high level of dookie - watched for free but not purchased on DVD (therefore not encouraging the pooh NOR WAS IT SEEN IN A THEATER BY ME) - so using your own very clever equation:

For Major Payne

100 X 10 (I'M BEING GENEROUS TO YOU on the interaction score, because I'm right and once you realize that, you will sting with the slap of my rightness and I want to look like the angel that I am) = 100

Lets look a little closer at AVP.

YOU DROVE ME TO A THEATER AND PAID FOR US BOTH TO SIT THROUGH AVP, dookiefest of the highest dookie order - winner of the steamer in summer award - AFTER which I had to remind myself that Aliens is one of your favorite franchises and you couldn't be blamed for giving this film (used as in "slime") a chance. And that I still love you.

THEN YOU BOUGHT IT ON DVD. You have now essentially paid for POOH 3 TIMES, plus shipping.

THEN YOU TRIED TO SNEAK THE FACT YOU WERE BUYING THE SECOND ONE by adding it to the bottom of the "oh, here are the titles I'm thinking of ordering today" e-mail. That gets you an elevated interaction score, which I notice you flat out mis-calculated. Let me correct it for you.

For AVP

1000000000000000 X 10000000 to the 2nd power = 10000000000000000000000 to the power that would be there if I knew how to do math with powers.

I WIN, I AM RIGHT, I BRING LESS STINK TO OUR FILM EXPERIENCE THAN YOU DO. Wear it with your I Heart AVP t-shirt down to the Wife Is Right store and buy me a CAKE!

My Monday Morning Ascent to Hell. Yes, I Said Ascent.

This morning. Boarding the elevator at the office with Mr. Zoom and two other co-workers. One co-worker is old enough to remember when there was no such thing as television broadcasts in color. She is matronly. The other one is so young that he couldn't possibly know what life might have been like with cell phones that were just phones and bigger than a lipstick . He's the young and hip. There are a few others that do not work with our company sharing this ride.

Mr. Zoom has carried my bag o' lunch, books and bric-a-brack from the car for me. Just before we reach the floor he and young hipster depart on - he swings my bag towards me. I am convinced that his swinging of the bag is his playful attempt flip my compulsion switch. We have a this thing between us - everytime he swings a bag, I playfully nag him not to do it. I don't expect anyone to understand why we do this, we just do. I jokingly bristle at him "NOOOO. Don't swing it!"

Matronly notices and says "What's the matter? Is he tossing your salad?"

...

The Earth slowed its rotation (I felt it) and my eyebrows shot up and over my hair, landing on the back of my head. I had to think fast. Everyone knows I'd have better luck wearing a jacket made out of striker board, pants made out of match sticks - and running through a car wash of lighter fluid.

Young hiptser starts to giggle.

I fight the urge to stomp on his toes. I do not look at him OR Mr. Zoom. I know better than to think any rescue will come from that direction. And of course we have to stay in this box until the very last stop.

"No. uh. no. NO no no. He's shaking up my cola." DO NOT LAUGH. NO EYE CONTACT. DO NOT LAUGH. Yup. That's the best I could do.

As Mr. Zoom and Young hipster depart on their floor, I hiss "STOPPIT." Which only serves to fan the flames of giggle into full blown laughter. The doors close and I'm left with Matronly, who THANKFULLY has no idea that she's just added a porn element to the Monday morning of 3 co-workers and 2 complete strangers.

The aftermath. I sat at my desk and had a debate with myself. Which was worse? That ride I just took or the time I exited a loo with the back of my skirt tucked into my hose? And I didn't figure it out for like, 5 minutes.

With that, my brain leaked out of my ear and I've been quietly working at my desk ever since.

Hidey Hole.

Last weekend Mr. Zoom and I were outside. Playing in the street. Well, not exactly like that, but sorta.


I sat on the curb and noticed a fur ball inside a pipe/hole in the curb:

At first I was scared. If the animal was dead, I was going to be really really sad. Look. I know about the circle of life and all of that. But I can't handle kids or animals in pain. It wonks up my whole day.

I realized it was breathing, whatever it was. I shrieked at Mr. Zoom to "come over here right now. You have to see this." He did. We looked closer. "It's breathing" I said. "Well Zoom...I don't know how you are going to play that one." he said.


I took a picture. We tried to figure out what it was based on the fur. I said "oooo. It looks like bunny fur! It's a baby bunny!" Because I know what bunny fur looks like? Up close? No. Because I want things to be what I want them to be.


I waited around - with astonishing focus, since I'm generally bored within 30 seconds - and my newfound bunny turned around in his pipe and revealed a RAT face.

OOOOOOOO. A rat. Curiosity satisfied, I let the little guy be. After I took his picture.

And then I came home and exploited the image for some cheap giggles (my own giggles - Mr. Zoom's head shaking) via the LOL cat builder:

I Was Conflicted. Now I'm Just a Side Bar Whore.

I decided to yank my (blogger provided) links section and throw in the widget that shows you my delicious links instead. Or del.iciou.us - as the proper format is. You get a better variety while still getting the ones I really hope you find as entertaining as I do. And I don't miss anyone. It got a little confusing as to what links I had where.

Not sure how it happened, but apparently I can't stop linking my life to the sidebar. I like having everything in one place, clickable, and on the web where I can access it regardless of which-what-where computer I'm sitting at.

Apparently side bar love is more for me and my convenience than it is for you. I am THAT easy.

Wonder Why.

I don't understand why almost every, no wait...yes, every Japanese restaurant I've ever eaten at - why the owners/employees/waiters/waitresses/hostesses seem to despise their customers so much.

Am I the only person that feels this? It could just be me, because I have an incredibly bad habit of creating some kind of theory - a pattern - in my head and then "seeing" the results all over the place.

But it just seems like every time Mr. Zoom and I go for Sushi or other general Japanese food, the staff would really rather be punched in the face than deal with customers. You try and order things, and you get the look. The one that says "oh seriously, sad excuse for a customer - why WHY do you eat that? I know it is on the menu, but we don't expect people to order it and it literally hurts us to make it and bring it out to you."

Or you just get the belligerent shift. "NO. You can not order two appetizers AND an entree. That is not how it is done." "NO. You can not order TWO of the same entree. You must have better variety." Once I was with friends and we were at our favorite sushi place. We had noticed that sometimes the "appetizers" came out after the entrees, or after we were basically done eating and had almost forgotten they had been ordered. Other times they would arrive "first". When we asked about this phenomenon (politely, because if we were a bunch of jackasses - I'd totally understand ALL of this), we were given the curt response of "that's how it goes."

And when you leave, they practically scream "THANK YOU" as you walk out the door. Causing me to worry that it is a thank you loaded with sarcasm and potential boobie traps. Will the door hit me on the ass on the way out?

We aren't noisey. We aren't unkind, in fact we are very appreciative of service. We tip well. You wouldn't notice us sitting next to you even if you knew us in person.

I'm always so conflicted. I never know if I should assert myself the least little bit or continue to try and find the magic words to keep the wait staff from making that face at me/us. And it's exhausting looking out for potential boobie traps all the time. Especially after some Sapporo.

Foolio

Normally I'm so very fond of practical jokes I don't know what it is about April Fool's Day that winds me up so bad every year. I always wake up and tell myself "remember, it's April 1. Shenanigans are going to happen, DON'T FALL FOR IT. And is it really so bad when I do fall for it? No. I just feel incredibly exposed and embarrassed, like when the birds at the coffee shop fly down and peg me in the back of the head.

It's merely 9:30 a.m. and I've already fallen for a joke. A co-worker said "oh, that's weird. Did you see the e-mail where they are sending us home at 3?" It's so typical for me to miss any kind of news before it is weeks or years old, so I said "No, why? What's going on?" "APRIL FOOL" she said. My response was my left middle finger and another gulp of my coffee.

And in the time I was writing this? Found out I fell for a second april fool e-mail by Mr. Zoom's father. I won't go into detail on it, but there was enough specific detail in it to completely suck me in. AND, he had sent the e-mail last night so I'm thinking that's an April Fool Foul, and it can't be claimed as a success.

My fool points are already at 2. When I got off the elevator this morning, the regular maintenance guy was in the lobby with his tools. Our lobby is surrounded by closed doors with keypads to enter. And I thought to myself "I wonder if he's waiting for someone to let him in." The important thing here is that I thought that to myself, I did not say anything out loud. He actually approached me and said "Do you know someone named XXXX?" "No, I'm sorry. I don't. Nobody by that name works on my floor." I was all guarded, I had just reminded myself that it's April Fool's Day. And honestly, I don't know anyone named XXXX on my floor. I offered to him "It could be someone new, but I just don't know." He pulled out his pager, and showed me where it actually said "Company Name, contact: XXXX". "Sorry" I said, "I don't know who that is."

Turns out that I DO know who it is. And if I'd thought about it for a second longer I would have realized that person was on another floor. Instead, I left someone in the lobby thinking there was a slight chance I was being April Fooled. For no reason. When you play april fool on yourself, I'm thinking there should be an extra point for retardation. My fool points are now at 4. At this rate I might want to consider just running down the street with a sandwich board that says "UNMANAGEABLE".