I should have known something was wrong when the giggling started. "I picked the movie" my mom said. This is usually followed by things like "It was C Movie, and it was fantastic." "....you mean B Movie? The cartoon?" "YEAH, that one."
So here we go. She tried her best to get the title right "you know, Escape from GTO". Giggle Giggle Giggle.
My mind raced to match the attempted title to an actual one. OMG. "...do you mean Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay?" "YEAH" both parents said, "THAT ONE!"
"You saw and liked Harold and Kumar?.....wait. Did you guys even see H&K go to White Castle?"
"Yes." they said. "We thought it was kinda cute for a stoner movie."
My parents just said stoner movie. LOOK AT MY PARENTS. My mom wears sweaters with kittens and horses on them. Look at her hat. That's nearly a bushel of fake blue flowers on top of a straw hat she's wearing. My dad prefers hats that I can only refer to as "newsie" and scary. They both got really upset once when I made a joke about not being able to bring Mr. Zoom to a dinner party with family and how I was bringing my friend A instead, and was going to tell everyone that I had switched teams and she was my new lesbian lover. THAT got an "over the line" head tilt with a disapproving "ZOOM! Not funny." But Harold and Kumar? Apparently that's all kinds of good family fun.
"So wait. Battleshits? You guys are ok with Battleshits?"
"Oh, yeah. That's funny."
And then they went on.
*POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW*
"We were the only gray hairs in the theater with a ton of kids. You know, there's a part where instead of a topless club, it's bottomless. Get it? Bottomless?? So when one girl goes to take off her top, they say 'hey, what kind of establishment do you think we are running here?"
They thought this was the best joke ever.
"Then when they questioned the guy as to why he didn't have his bottoms off, he said 'but I do' and he stood up."
My mom takes over the story and continues "So here's this guy, he stands up and his penis is hanging out of this GIANT, and I mean HUGE bush. Just the biggest, most humungous bush. He's standing there at the table like that."
My dad contributes "You know how the guy who played Doogie Howser? He's in it, eating mushrooms and seeing unicorns. It's hilarious."
And that's when the screaming in my head started. It's still there.