Flinging Poo

The Zooms have a long standing debate about crap film. Ok, not really long standing - because I literally just last month remembered that my most favorite guilty pleasure is the movie "Major Payne", but I have been giving Mr. Zoom a truckfull of crap for owning the DVD entitled "Aliens v. Predator" or "AVP" ever since I saw it in the Amazon box - what, it has to have been a couple of years ago now.

So while he has an entire DVD library full of craptacular film that I've purchased, he has only recently been able to fight back and defend his "AVP" because he caught me laughing like a wine-o on a roller coaster when I stumbled across "Major Payne" for free on TV last month. I watch most of the other bad choices I make when he's doing other stuff around the house and that way I'm able to quietly bury them in the DVD collection without drawing any attention to myself.

"I forgot how much I love this movie" I gushed when he came out from his office to find out what I was guffawing at. He watched for a few minutes and then ran out of the room while pinching his nose shut with his fingers. "That's your guilty pleasure!!" he yelled back as he fled. I was convinced he couldn't appreciate the hi-lar-ity of the movie because he didn't hear any of the fabulous lines. So the next day I found all my favorite quotes on imdb dot com and e-mailed them to Mr. Zoom. He wasn't impressed.

Today at the office, this debate flared anew. Except it was via e-mail, so I actually have a transcript of it. You will note that several times I attempt mathmatics - and fail, and that I end the debate by stating a fact not even in argument. This is what it is like to talk to us. You will thank us now for remaining childless:

____________________________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:20 AMTo: Zoom
Subject: I may put in a Amazon movie order today
Any wants?

I have these so far;

xxxx
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx
Aliens Vs. Predator 2
_________________________________________

From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:35 AM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


ALIENS V. PREDATOR 2? Do movies I pick have to ride in the same box?
________________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:37 AM
To: Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


I don't want to hear a peep out of you Sgt. Pooh or whatever the heck that Wayans brother movie is.
______________________________________

From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:38 AM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


yes but I DON'T OWN IT ON DVD. It's Major Payne. And again, DON'T OWN IT ON DVD.
_________________________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:40 AM
To: Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


The fact that you watched Colonel Turd even once is SO MUCH WORSE.

SO
MUCH
WORSE
_______________________________________________
From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:46 AM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


I DEFY YOU TO DEFEND THAT. How can watching something bad whenever it is on t.v. FOR FREE be worse than paying 10+ or - dollars for a steamy STEAMY pile of doo doo franchise like AVP? AND SHIPPING. YOU PAY SHIPPING.

Your purchasing of that smelly title(s) and bringing them into our beloved DVD collection is so much worse a violation than my watching and laughing at Major Payne for free. SOOOOOOO MUCH WORSE.

You are giving them a reason to make more. I am merely enjoying some bad film for free. Already out there. AND NOT IN OUR DVD COLLECTION.

TAKE THAT.
________________________________

From: Mr. Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 12:05 PM
To: ZoomSubject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today


It's simple math really.

Major Payne - very very high level of dookie - hence watched at all in any circumstance, travesty.

AVP - high turd level - watched or owned bad, but not worst

Here's the equation
(poohocity) + (interaction with movie) = (resultant LOSER score)

For Major Payne

1000000000000000000000000000000 X 10 = 10000000000000000000000000000000

For AVP
1000000000000000 X 10000000 = 10000000000000000000000

The winner, clearly, is Mr. Zoom. In order for you to refute this you'd have to do math. We both know that's not going to happen. So after even further review, the winner is Mr. Zoom.
_______________________________________________

From: Zoom
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 12:05 PM
To: Mr. Zoom
Subject: RE: I may put in a Amazon movie order today

Oh, no you are NOT pulling the math card on me.

Major Payne - high level of dookie - watched for free but not purchased on DVD (therefore not encouraging the pooh NOR WAS IT SEEN IN A THEATER BY ME) - so using your own very clever equation:

For Major Payne

100 X 10 (I'M BEING GENEROUS TO YOU on the interaction score, because I'm right and once you realize that, you will sting with the slap of my rightness and I want to look like the angel that I am) = 100

Lets look a little closer at AVP.

YOU DROVE ME TO A THEATER AND PAID FOR US BOTH TO SIT THROUGH AVP, dookiefest of the highest dookie order - winner of the steamer in summer award - AFTER which I had to remind myself that Aliens is one of your favorite franchises and you couldn't be blamed for giving this film (used as in "slime") a chance. And that I still love you.

THEN YOU BOUGHT IT ON DVD. You have now essentially paid for POOH 3 TIMES, plus shipping.

THEN YOU TRIED TO SNEAK THE FACT YOU WERE BUYING THE SECOND ONE by adding it to the bottom of the "oh, here are the titles I'm thinking of ordering today" e-mail. That gets you an elevated interaction score, which I notice you flat out mis-calculated. Let me correct it for you.

For AVP

1000000000000000 X 10000000 to the 2nd power = 10000000000000000000000 to the power that would be there if I knew how to do math with powers.

I WIN, I AM RIGHT, I BRING LESS STINK TO OUR FILM EXPERIENCE THAN YOU DO. Wear it with your I Heart AVP t-shirt down to the Wife Is Right store and buy me a CAKE!