Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Mr. Zoom snores. He snores loud and funny. Sometimes he wakes me up and I jump, because I'm in that half sleep half wake state and the growly noise scares me until I realize what it is. Sometimes I'll be in that half awake state, but feel like something out of my field of vision is poking me in the ears. I usually fully wake to realize it's the snoring I'm hearing and mixing into my thoughts at the time.

I have tools/strategies to get me through the night. I try to get to bed and to sleep before him. It's like a running start on getting up a hill. I have ear plugs. Those tend to wiggle their way out of my ears at some point in the night. There's got to be about 359 orphaned foam ear plugs under the bed and in between the mattress and the frame. Statistics show that it's generally my right ear that rejects the thing.

Some mornings Mr. Zoom will ask what time I ran for the spare bedroom in order to complete the sleep. He's forever apologizing for "snoring me out of bed", but I honestly don't find it that disruptive. I've developed quite a stealthy path from bed to spare bed, while toting my favorite pillow with me. The only regret I have is that I don't get to spend the whole night in bed with him when that happens.

Several times I've placed my camera beside the bed so that I could video Mr. Zoom's snoring. It was the audio I was after. It's dark, afterall - so all it does is capture the snoring. We laughed over it the next day. Well, I laughed, and he courtesy laughed and then gave me the "how could you" face. Then he came back around to laughing.

Lately though, it appears that I've started to get in on the snoring thing. Mr. Zoom says I don't usually rhythmically snore, that it's like a fit for a while and then I wake up, reposition and go quiet for a while.

When he first started telling me about my snoring, I did the internal denial thing. I told myself "But I don't want to be someone who snores! It's just not ... not ... well it's just not something I want to do, much less have the husband tell me about the next day."

I fully and completely acknowledge the double standard here. Snoring is a guy thing and it's ok for them to do it. Snoring isn't a girly thing and while I don't want to be considered ultra girly, I'd like to at least be recognized as feminine - and I can't really believe my snoring enhances that all too much.

Well, that's all gone now. I'm forced to embrace my snoring, and I'll tell you why. One night I actually woke myself up mid snore. It was spectacular. Mr. Zoom was still asleep, so he missed that one. I got the giggles over myself once I realized the answer to "what the hell WAS that noise?" was me.

Also, I've just come around to accepting the fact that I snore. It's funny, and should be laughed at. In fact, it should be caught on video. This is now Mr. Zooms assignment.

This morning he shared a snoring moment with me. He says that last night he was watching t.v. when suddenly he heard a noise that scared him. He said he honestly thought "a woodland creature had gotten into the house and was making this noise because it wanted out." I'd like to point out that he did, in fact, say "woodland creature." Which kills me, since we have no woods anywhere near our cement and asphalt neighborhood. Even the regional park up the road can't be considered woody at all.

We have a habit of leaving the front door wide open when we first get home at night so that air circulates through the house. We don't have a screen door. There have been a few instances where bunnies have come very close to the entry way - so it's not all that unbelievable (to us) that a bunny got trapped in the house by accident.

So he continues to tell me that he came in our room and realized the growly noise was me - snoring. He said "I've NEVER heard you growl at the moon the way you were last night. It was loud. Holy crap it was loud. And I went to get the camera, but you shifted and it ended. But while it was happening, I wanted to say to you "Honey, resist the change!! Please!"

I'm still laughing to myself over that one.

I told him that his duty now is to capture my snoring on video. Then we can post them on the net and have a snore off.

I'm totally serious.


The Idiot said... was "FIGHT THE CHANGE!", but I suppose that's not really important.

I'm telling you people, it sounded like there was a angry Yeti in our bedroom.

Only this one was was all curled up her favorite blankie.

Delaleuverses said...

This was entertaining to read, seriously, lol

Unacknowledged Genius said...

like two coyotes howling at the moon! that's togetherness.

Spin_Doc1 said...

"Ahh the baby snores,isn't that cute." Or at least that is what a boy told me once and I loved him for it too.

ZooooM said...

Mr. Zoom, My Idiot. How about you try making with the update once in a while and tell the stories properly on your page? ?? eh? eh? Angry yeti. Thank goodness you didn't say that this morning. I'd have shot coffee out of my nose.

delaleuverses - Thank you. It's always nice to hear from anyone who stumbled upon this and wasn't scarred.

UG, one of these days we will have to figure out how to get us both on video snoring.

Spin, thanks. It's nice to know others have the snore talk too.

Al said...

Zooms - last week the wife calmy asked how much life insurance I had now. The question kinda frightened me, when I asked her why - she said she was about 30 seconds from smothering me with a pillow because I was snoring so loud.

Rev. Brandy said...

I have got to tell you, I read this at work and had to CLAP my HANDS over my FACE to keep from GUFFAWING out loud and disturbing my coworkers. This was the funniest thing I have read in so, so long.

Mostly because I, too, snore on occasion and I, too, have awakened myself and then giggled myself back to sleep because, I, too, have the double-snoring-standard going on.


theresa said...

You people who snore make me crazy! Just kidding. I've learned to sleep through anything. Unfortunately, this now means, it requires a 40-piece brass band and a bucket of water poured over my head to wake me up in the morning.

"woodland creature" ... precious!

Unacknowledged Genius said...

I have been told I snore too. I can imagine the cacophony coming from our bedroom at night since my husband snores too.

AndyT13 said...

Men have an excuse for snoring. Our balls fall across our buttholes and we vapor lock. I, for one, snore like a rusty chainsaw or so MissBrennie13 says.
Anyway, I eagerly await the snore off. Being the loudest snorer you ever heard qualifies me to judge I think. UNfortunately for Mr. Zoom girls get extra cutness points. Boys only get points for volume and tone.