Thursday, June 15, 2006

Lick My Boot

I'll just relay the incident as it occurred. I'm pretty sure it speaks for itself.

Big Gay MoMo at the Office: "Can I tell you something?"

Zoom: "Will it make me cry?"

MoMo: "No. But I could get in trouble for it. Here goes. I want to spank you."

Zoom: "...

thank you? I guess? Thank you but - you already know this - I'm married and YOU ARE GAY."

MoMo: "UGH, NOOOOOOOOO. It's not like that. I just love to spank/smack butts. Like all of my friends and stuff. It's not SEXUAL!! I just consider you a friend and it's hard not to smack your butt." This is when I observed a little nose crinkle on MoMo's face in what I can only imagine is Gay Guy disgust when imagining touching a girl for any kind of reason other than "pal".

Zoom: "Again, thank you...that's all kinds of sweet. Shall I try and hide my backside so you aren't tempted? I mean, we've all been told about acting appropriately in the office environment. I think this is one of those situations we should probably avoid."

MoMo: "Ok. Thanks."


theresa said...

I think you handled that remarkably well.
I know it may be hard to believe, but something almost exactly like that happened to me a couple years ago. Instead of being assertive like you, I thought it was funny as hell and laughed a lot. Apparently, that was taken as an invitation. My gay-butt-spanking friend got me with one of those big-ass heavy-duty rulers. It left a mark for 3 days.

The Management said...

Otter would smack his butt... With my boot. Never understood the butt smack. Just not cool.


ZooooM said...

T, so this isn't weird? MoMo isn't shy, obviously. But sometimes the things he just up and says to me make me step backwards and go....uh? Good lord I don't need any more bruises than I already get from walking directly into the office furniture.

Managing Otter, Mr. Zoom said the same thing. He said "I know MoMo, and I know what he's saying here, but if his hand ever found your butt, my foot would find his ass in a split second."

theresa said...

Oh, I think it's definitely weird. You and I must be weird-people magnets. But at least we can rest easy knowing we're not the ones running around trying to spank people.
Watch your backside, Hot Chik!

Unacknowledged Genius said...

I guess I should refrain from telling you girls that if we ever do the hot chik road trip I was really looking forward to smacking some ass. ;)

AndyT13 said...

I'm with Mr. Zoom. Anyone who touched my baby without her permission would CERTAINLY miss being able to use of that hand for much of anything again. It's hard to smack butt with ten broken fingers. I'm not joking even a little bit. I'm generally non-violent but messing with my loved is a flip-top lid to a HUGE can of whoopass.

Kid Handsome said...

Add me to the list of people who would destroy someone who smacked me on the ass. It used to happen all the time in Football practice in High School, which led me to believe, probably correctly, that our defensive coordinator was into high school boys.

Not much better was the practice of smacking someone in the helmet after they did something good. It's not a very good example of positive reinforcement.

Finally, I think your answer was diplomatic, but you should have just told him to never f'n touch you or you would have him killed.

ZooooM said...

T, speaking of magnet. I had a crazy lady plant herself right next to me yesterday when I was waiting for a friend for lunch. I got video, even. She was talking to air, and sat RIGHT NEXT TO ME on a bench that had MILES of space. *sigh*

And look T, we went and alienated Genius. Ass Smacking Road Trip halted before it even got off the ground. It is kinda sad.

Andy, he he flip top lid!

Kid H! Doesn't being hit in the head when you have a helmet on feel like having your head in a bell when it is being rung? Otter hurt you, didn't he.

Oh, believe me. If this wasn't someone I was at least familiar with, my girl windmill and curious pronounciation of cuss words would have kicked in and scared the crap out of anyone who even tried this with me. Office or not.

BostonPobble said...

You know it's not often that I am speechless but seriously ~ I got nothing here.

Aisha T. said...

My, you'd be in trouble around me, Zoom. I'm all about butt smacking. Sure, I usually save it for the boyfriend, his kid, family (watch it around my sisters and brother, hands fly pell mell) and maybe the very close friend butt, I'd still keep on asking. My little nephew and D's kid are really into butt smacking.

My friend Marko is really into boobs. He has an inventory of playboys that would rival and straight guy's AND he quotes the playmates from the 70's to present day from each month. He's also good with Mets stats. He reached for my girls one day and I smacked his hand away. When he protested he was gay, I answered, "I don't let my girlfriends or guy friends touch em. The gay passport doesn't work with my girls".

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work