Monday, August 28, 2006

I'm Not Pregnant. Just Itchy.

I'm quite a representation of food allergies that suck. Let's take a look:

All dairy and foods made with dairy. Milk, cheese, ice cream. Real butter. Even mashed potatoes if there's enough milk/cheese/real butter in them. That right there was enough to make me cry for a whole day.

Oats. Cheerios, instant oatmeal. Seriously people. I already can't have milk (in cereal), so now we have to take away the oatmeal too?

Wheat. Frosted shredded wheat is now a distant memory.

Peanuts, walnuts, actually, any kind of nut. I don't get the scary reaction that you've heard in the news, I just get hives/rash/itching that will.not.stop. Even my hair itches. NO PEANUTBUTTER. Do you even know what it's like to give up Trader Joe's chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels? DO YOU!?

And now we can add alcoholic beverages to the list. That's right. I am allergic to booze. Thank god I already fooled Mr. Zoom into marriage.

It's not the actual alcohol I'm reacting to - but it might as well be:

This is all based on my novice opinion and the 3,000 tubes/spray bottles of Gold Bond anti-itch savior sauce I've marinated in over the last year. All in an attempt to deny that this fact can actually be true.

And let me tell you something. You know how Claritin is "non-drowsey"? Maybe when compared to narcolepsy. Because when I have to take it for a week straight, It puts me down like a lawn dart. It is much better than trying to function on Benadryl, but it still isn't exactly the antihistamine alertness miracle.

And here's a new, lower level of reason to be bummed at the alcohol allergy. You see, ever since Mr. Zoom and I got married, our pals have created (so I've heard, anyway) a pool wherein money has been placed on when we will have a critter.

I really hope there's a square for "no critter" and someone puts a lot of money on it. Because WE AREN'T HAVING ANY KIDS. But nobody wants to hear or accept that.

Anytime I sit out a gathering among friends, they now think I'm pregnant. One weapon I could always count on to stop that silliness was DRINKING when I did see my friends.

I need to have pamphlets made. "I am not pregnant. We are sorry you won't be winning the bet - but we told you so. I am living this way because I am allergic to all foods/beverages fun. Please water me frequently. Feed me cheese less pizza, dry salad and plain or powdered doughnuts. With a side of steak."


Aisha T. said...

Hehehe....the alcohol allergy--that sucks! And the peanuts. My sister had the deathly allergic type of reaction to peanuts. So bad, that even if she got a whiff of it growing up, she'd be wheezing like crazy. We weren't allowed to have any in the house. I can understand your friends want of little critters. i think having little zoomies would be fun to watch you blog about!

Unacknowledged Genius said...

My dad used to get hives/itchies from eating peanuts but only if they still had the skin on them. It doesn't sound like there is much you can eat :(

The Management said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Food allergys suck. What can you eat? Seems like most good stuff was on your list.

...and no booze... I cry for you.


ZooooM said...

I tried responding to you all yesterday, and blogger ate my comment. twice. *sigh*

Clearly it's not allergic to much.

Basically, I need all of you to take up the booze consumption slack that will now be felt the world over due to my non participation.

Spider Girl said...

Yes, blogger ate my comment for you yesterday too! ( was a nice long one too...)

Suffice it to say: Allergies: Boo! hiss! I'm with you on that one!

And on the subject of No Critters: I've listened very carefully and apparently my Biological Clock is simply not ticking. Heh, and I'm okay with that! :)

Polyman2 said...

Poor baby, What a drag. I couldn't imagine life without P & B,
it's one of my staples along with Eggo waffles and pizza.
But I guess your health is more important.
I've recentally quit beer which was making me feel terrible.
Good thing Mr. Zoom isn't on that allergy list.