So at lunch today I run over to the shi shi Shopping Center to make an exchange on an item. Since I was there, I thought I'd hit Wahoos, because I love Wahoos. And I'm alone. So I can be as messy as I want to be. Lettuce flying, rice and bean shrapnel - basically I could chipper shredder my way through it because...I'M ALONE!
I'm halfway through my second chicken taco when I hear "OOOH, we know the same restaurant!"
I turn around and it's a file clerk from our firm. And he's not just any file clerk. No. Of course he's the one who - I can say this because he's over 18 - he's hot. He's all of 21 years old.
While I hope to pride myself on being the kind of dirty old lady who is absolutely harmless - yet isn't afraid to acknowledge hotness (quietly in her own head and with full disclosure to her husband - as we share these kinds of harmless observations with each other), it's quite uncomfortable when said hotness is being all polite and junk out of the office. I want to appreciate hotness from afar. I don't need it walking up to me and having manners. I don't know what to do with social situations in general - adding manners nearly gives me anaphylactic shock.
He says to me "OH HI! Are you here alone? My goodness. Would you like to come over to our table over there? I'm here with so-and-so from the copy room and we saw you sitting here."
I smiled nervously and said "Oh, no thank you. That's nice, but no. I'm fine here." He said "Ok then, just wanted to see if you wanted company." Then he went away.
That's when I discovered what had have been an entire head of shredded lettuce and at least 3 black beans in my teeth!! Not JUST the back or side teeth, noooooo. THE FRONT ONES. Can you imagine? He probably ran back to his table and told his friend "Not only is she alone for lunch, but she has all this food in her grille! How sad. Is that what happens when you get old?"
I didn't know where they were sitting, so I tried to wait them out so I wouldn't have to pass them on the way out to my truck. Unfortunately, this backfired on me. He and his friend must have just left minutes before I did. They pulled out of the parking space in their own truck- which thanks to the math of "what are the chances" - is parked directly behind mine. They see me, I don't see them. They honk the horn and scare the lettuce right out of my teeth. He yells "NICE TRUCK!"
I waved and said to myself "I bet he's gay" just because I felt defensive, and now needed a change of underwear.
Of course we arrived at the office parking structure at the same time. I again tried to be clever and avoid having to do the uncomfortable walk to the elevator and ride up to our floor with him and the other guy. I guess they saw me drive in as well, and so they kinda waited. AGAIN WITH THE POLITE. So questions were thrown at me, and I answered them by showing as little teeth as possible and taking sips of my soda through the straw. As if to say "oh, sorry, can't talk....busy....drinking."
Of course we all rode in the elevator together.
I've never been so happy to see those elevator doors part. I waved and practically sprinted to my desk.