Monday, November 28, 2005

Arizona: Land of the Extravagant Mailbox

First, a little background: Mr. Zoom's parents are divorced. His father remarried. She happens to be only about 4 years older than us, but she's now my step mother-in-law, nonetheless.

There's also now a little half brother (in law for me) who is 7 years old.

My family is divorced and remarried all over the place too, but that is another story.

This Thanksgiving, my new Father-In-Law was turning 65. Mr. Zoom and I packed up the truck and drove out for a visit. Mr. Zoom's full brother and his wife also met us out there.

I've met all of these people sevaral times before. They know I'm not the most delicate or socially capable person in the world, but I'm positive they don't know how much of a simpleton I really am.

So when driving down the road packed into a car with the new in-laws, I actually had the foresight to resist the following outburst:

"Oh my gawd. Did you see that giant rusted iron Jesus that guy has in his yard? I mean come on, it was HUGE, and it was a crucified, rusted iron Jesus. And was that a sculpture of a giant turtle and lizzards on either side? Rusted as well? PULL THE CAR OVER I NEED A PICTURE OR 5. Because the first thing I want to do when I get home is make fun of your city on the internet! Giant rusted iron Jesus yard art - that's good stuff."

And that wasn't even the mailbox part of the trip!

The other thing I noticed about Arizona, or at least this particular part of it, is the high number of personalized mailboxes out there. Seriously, these people do not take their mail delivery compartments lightly.

Witness this doggie box with missing head.

Or this cactus, looking as if it was constructed from mutated wicker.

I would have collected more examples, but most of the people appeared to be home. The LAST thing I wanted to do was raise the suspicion of a people that find rusty iron Jesus yard art to be all kinds of everyday. Know what I mean? And how did the doggie box lose it's head anyway? I didn't want to find out. I still don't. I'd rather make fun of what I don't understand.

Mr. Zoom and I were talking about how out of this gigantic desert, the people decided to build "here". The Father-In-Law said something about two rivers meeting at a particular point, and that's where the development began.

Mr. Zoom and I could see no river(s). We were told they "went underground, or something...and nobody is really sure where they went."

Mr. Zoom and I think that when running water up and disappears - that's a pretty good sign that things are dying "here", and it might be best to move along. After all, we feel that Arizona is the surface of the sun. And we are sissy white people, who hate the heat. So we will use any evidence we can find to tell the family "See? Bad. Firey hot place BAD. "

On the way home, Mr. Zoom got his favorite road trip food. A Sausage McMuffin with Cheese:

Right after he finished it, he said "This was soooo good, that if it had an ass I'd slap it."

8 comments:

Aisha T. said...

I have seen a lot of weird things in my life. But, never, have I seen mailboxes like those. Wow, I knew I was missing out when I had a layover in Phoenix. Um, the ass slap comment was a little scary. I can't wait to use it. (I'm stealing stuff from you right and left. My friends and I have not stopped using the term clown killing)

ZooooM said...

Aisha, trust me when I say those boxes were the tame. The ass slap comment nearly killed me. We had gotten up at 5 am to get home and this was about 3 hours into the trip. We laughed like 3 year olds for about 15 more miles. A little punch drunk. You use anything you want from here. It's nice to find others who laugh at the little stuff too.

AndyT13 said...

Gah! What happened to Mr. Zoom's hair? I thought it was all
long-ish like?

Al said...

Did jeebers see the giant rusted iron jesus?
Tell C I also plan on stealing the ass slap, too bad i didn't hear it till after T-day. Might've been a nice way to finish "grace".
My mom's been a widow for over 20 years. I think she's dating someone (she lives like 10 minutes away and I see her maybe once a week - she doesn't call, doesn't write oi vie) back when I was in High School, she was had been dating some guy, but keeping it a secret from us. Much to my amazment, I walk into a restuarant and catch her smooching on some dude. She saw me and I don't think she dated much till I left for college

ZooooM said...

Andy, Mr. Zoom has always had the buzz like cut - well, ok - at least as long as we have been dating. There was a time when he had longish type hair, but it was in the 90s, I think?

Al, Jeeber did see some things, but mostly he was acting up. I got a few snaps of him, but don't know if it's worth bogging down the internet with his tude. He didn't see the Rusty Iron Jesus though. He was in my purse, tucked away where people who might boil me for adverse views couldn't see him.

Rev. Brandy said...

As usual, totally cracking me up. I don't know why anyone wants to live in large flat desert-ish states where our nation's scientists testing bombs and stuff. Am I confusing Arizona with New Mexico?

theresa said...

I bet you have a great time making fun of things wherever you go. The whole world is bursting with opportunities for such a brilliant smarty as yourself.

I'm another sissy white person who's afraid of the heat and sun. The last person who suggested we might live happily ever after together was hell-bent on moving to AZ. Sure ... as long as I can have a Pool Boy to refill my tub of icecubes and refresh my pitcher of margaritas regularly.

Ryan said...

Eww! That place sucks as much as Montana!