Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I Think I Just Used a Wife Life

You know how kitty cats are supposed to have 9 lives? Well, I'm thinking married people each have a number of lives to dust over the lifetime of the marriage. You know. Those situations where one could say "I told you so" or "how does this happen to you over and over?" or "you know I'm going to have to get dressed to get you out of this one, don't you?", but doesn't?

Yeah. Those.

Today Mr. Zoom started to come down with a cold. I saw my chance to take care of him for once and jumped on it. I told him to get comfy on the couch with the t.v. remote. That I'd go to the gym first, and bring him dinner later.

The gym was unusually busy, but I waited and finally got a treadmill. Then I spotted an empty flailing machine (I don't know the name of it) and went for that. Somewhere in the middle of flailing I realized I had left my keys at the treadmill. So I went to check and they were gone.

I didn't panic, because I just figured someone would turn them in at the front desk.

And of course they weren't there. So I gave the front desk my information and asked them to call me if my keys showed up. Then I asked to use the phone to call Mr. Zoom, since I couldn't get home without a spare key.

I had lost my keys. And he didn't hesitate to drive the spare key to me. And he never made me feel bad about it even though he felt like crap and just really wanted to be home on the couch. He didn't even bring up the fact that not only had I lost my car keys, but the house keys too. And they were attached to my convenience sized gym membership card, which could theoretically be used by some naer-do-well to locate our address and rob us blind.

But, while sitting on the bech outside waiting for rescue, I suddenly realized why my keys had gone to the missing place. It was the universe trying to repay me for a conversation I had earlier today.

At the office one of my attorneys was making fun of another attorney about losing things. Because I never learn, I contributed "Oh, don't even act like you never loose anything. As a matter of fact, you lose A LOT of things."

Attorney: "WHAT?! You really think I lose things? Like what, exactly."

Zoom: "You know, everything."

Attorney: "Are you saying I lose things that I am personally responsible for? Because I think you have my situation confused with a filing issue. If I put something in filing and the clerk misfiles it, then I haven't lost it, have I."

Zoom: "Ok, no. I mean the times you run over here and start waving your monkey hands around about some letter or transcript or motion - just about anything - and asking me to give it back to you...and then we find it in your office or on some desk in the library - if we find it at all and don't have to re-print it or re-order it. That's what I mean by you lose a lot of things."

Attorney: "WHAT?! That NEVER happens. Seriously. What exactly do you mean by 'I lose a lot of things'?"

Zoom: "I mean that you have a high incidence of not being able to find something I gave you, or something you THINK you put on my desk and it turns out that isn't where it is."

Attorney: "A HIGH INCIDENCE? Please, define what you mean by that."

Zoom: "No thanks. I don't feel like writing an essay tonight. Look, every attorney I've ever worked for does the exact same thing. It's not that big a deal, in fact we [secretaries] expect it. You just have way too much going on at any given time to remeber what you did with a motion/book/letter/squirrel."

Attorney: "A high incidence huh. Well, gee. I'm glad someone finally brought that to my attention. High incidence. hmf. I still think you are mistaken and it's a filing thing."

Zoom: "Yes, I was wrong. You never lose anything."

About this time Mr. Zoom came around the corner asking that we leave to go home. I further filled my karma gas tank:

Zoom: "I can't leave yet. Attorney is still being all girly over some comment I made 15 minutes ago."

Attorney: "GIRLY?! What exactly does that mean?? High incidence. Please. I DO NOT lose things.

The girly comment won me the bonus prize of the gym calling the house after I was in route with my spare key - telling me they had found my keys.


Al said...

Ohhhhh Zooma Zooma Zoom - A couple of things - First I know I do not lose anything - it's those damn tiny little theiving monkey monsters that fallow me around, they take the stuff I'm looking for, then put it back when I don't need it anymore - I hate those bastards.
Secondly - as far as the Spousal lives - you'll always be way ahead on them. Coming from 15 years of marital experience, husbands will do way more bone-headed things than wives will anythings ever do. And worse, we will try to cover up these acts of horrendous stupidity, digging ourselves into deeper holes because you see right through our cover stories.
Also if ever need to get more lives - saying things like - "no honey, I wasn't watching this Lifetime movie of the week - let's watch college football all day long, I'll even make nacho's/chili/hot dog/hotdogs covered in chili and nacho cheese" or "No honey, go ahead, fly to Vegas with your friends and blow a grand on the craps tables" There are someother things, but ya know - decorum and all.

ZooooM said...

Thanks Al. You really should write one of those advice books. When I was looking for books on marriage ceremonies, I was AMAZED at the relationship help selection. Things like "How to Make a Man Follow You Around Like a Puppy" and "How to Make a Woman Jump Through a Hoop."

And I especially like your life purchase plan.

theresa said...

Ah, Sweet girl, when it comes to boneheaded stunts, you can always point eastward and say, "Ya think I'm bad? You coulda married the curly-headed chik!"
This is a priceless story though, and as usual, you tell it with a flair that's all your own.

AndyT13 said...

Dear metaphortard,
You are hereby absolved of all guilt and punishment for misplacing your keys by the fact that you coined the term 'metaphortard'. Please inform Mr. Zoom that all penalties, surcharges and other punishments must be waived by virtue of the fact that you rock.
Sincerely yours,

The Management said...

I'm not quite sure what all this talk is about... From the (few) relationships I've been in / examined, women simple are not "wrong".

This concept of owning up to a minor mistake is alien to me. Whatever is going on here is unhealthy, I'm sure of that much.

(On a side note, last night when I couldn't sleep I broke out my Invader Zim DVDs and watched Gir and Zim tear it up from 3:00 - 5:00... good stuff)

Otter - I am a normal human worm baby!

Aisha T. said...

"I mean that you have a high incidence of not being able to find something I gave you, or something you THINK you put on my desk and it turns out that isn't where it is."

I loved this phrase. It made me laugh really hard.

ZooooM said...

Super T, Andy, Management Otter and Aisha T - WHOOP WHOOP!

The beer hasn't worn off yet, apparently.

Otter, Awww, my bees.

Super T, I really hope you are having a good time out here. Don't let any of the fake boobs poke your eye out though.

Andy, Mr. Zoom pretty much just tries to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say, then he doubles over laughing. He often forgets I've done something retarded (prior to speaking). YAY!

Aisha, in the days since, I've heard him mumble high incidence so many times I had to eye scold him from my desk until he closed his door to work today!