Wednesday, November 09, 2005

This One Time, When I Went To Vegas...

So back in mid-October, my friends took me to Vegas to celebrate the fact that I had managed to not only get engaged and stay that way for nearly a year and a half, but in less than a month's time, I'd be married to him.

I'm not a fan of traditional bachelor/bachelorette parties. And it's not for the reasons you might be thinking. I'm not afraid of a strip club, I've been to many. Those intended for women as well as men. I think they are harmless fun when you trust your soon to be ball and chain.

What gets me is the feeling of obligation and cost surrounding such things. I dislike the "we have to have a bachelor/ette party because that's what people do when they get married." If it happens, I want it to be because it was natural, and not forced.

Which is why my Skillit asked me what, if anything I'd like to do. And we came up with a weekend in Vegas, with her and my other friend Magic M, or MC.

The three of us were off. And we arrived. And we drank. And drank. And drank. That was Friday night.

Saturday morning we got up to go take in some of the sites. I thought to myself "I feel a little hung over, but overall I'm doing Tony the Tiger Great. Sticking with beer the whole night was a good idea."

Though never spoken out loud, the universe heard my self-back-patting and decided it was about time to remind Zoom that being out in public is NEVER a safe place for her to be.

We were in the Venitian. We were in one of those "Hey tourists, come buy crap with light up Las Vegas on it" stores. It was one of the biggest ones I've ever seen.

So we wander around in there for probably 20 minutes. When we are in line to buy our stuff, Skillit says to me "Hey, turn around for a second. I think you have....."

And I thought that sentence was going to end with "...a dust bunny/piece of toast/teddy graham stuck to your back."

but it didn't.

There were no further words from Skillit. I could feel a slight tug, and then I heard a crinkle. And then I realized what she was pulling from the back of my jeans.....

You know butt gaskets, right? Well they have that center part. And all my life I've been pulling the center part out and disconnecting it from the entire gasket before I put it down to do its job.

Somehow, on this day, the center part had ended up IN MY PANTS! The corner was peeking out of the back of my jeans. WAAAAAVING to all the people. "HELLLOOOOO. Welcome to fun with paper products, I'm your host Zoom."

I thought I'd pass out both from laughing at myself and embarrassment. I couldn't hold it together enough to actually stay in the store. I just handed my stuff over to the girls and ran away as fast as I could.

And then the real fun began. Because every time I went to the loo after that, I'd try to re-create the event so I could figure out how it happened in the first place - and make sure it didn't ever happen again. Girl loo time is long enough without one hung over/drunk Zoom using 3 stunt gasketts at each stop in an attempt to re-create freak paper placement.

And I'd be lying if I said I'm not doing this still, almost a month later.

And here's the unfortunate thing about Vegas. It is literally California Lite. Almost everyone there at any given time is from California. So that whole "Eh, any of these people who saw that paper hanging out of your jeans? You will probably never ever see them again. They don't know who you are." Because it's just not true in this circumstance.

Which brings me to the next part of my Vegas story.

We were in the Wynn. We were trying to figure out which direction to go when a cluster of men in business suits started to move. Not only did this pack move, but they ran.us.over.

Me, not having my glasses on thinks "What the heck? What kind of business meeting do you monkeys have to get to in such a hurry that you plow over a bunch of girls? One of whom happens to be a little retarded, even."

My friends told me that in the center of the suits was our California Governator and his Wife. And then I thought "HEY, that's my Governer! I just got run over by my Governer in Las Vegas. HEY, I'M SO NOT VOTING FOR YOU!"

Skillit said "My mom is going to be so excited. She's going to change this story from 'my daughter saw Schwarzenegger' to 'my daughter met Schwarzenegger'".

5 comments:

The Management said...

Hehehehehe... I can't say anything else... heheheheheheh

Otter

Al said...

Viva Las Vegas has a whole new meaning to me.

Rev. Brandy said...

Been there, done that . . . it's unbelievable how those damned pieces of paper want to (and manage to!) get into your pants!

Aisha T. said...

Holy crap! Sorry, that was hysterical!

ZooooM said...

You know what's even funnier? The other day I was in some loo and the pictures on the butt gasket dispenser indicated that the center part should be left in tact, because when it hangs down into the water, it automatically pulls the rest of the gasket with it when you flush!

This wouldn't be the first time I've rendered technology completely useless.