Thursday, November 17, 2005

I've Just Turned Our Loo Into a Stick of Dynamite?

The house of Zoom has suffered from plastic hand-me-down furniture and mismatched towels for almost a year. It's not that we care all that much about our "stuff", but since we were going through the big W, we figured we should semi coordinate the house decor and see what kind of adults we could be.

One of those upgrades turned out to be new bathmats and towels for the loos. We ended up with some brand called Hotel Collection.

While I'm detagging the bath mats, I notice on the back of the tag in teeny type were the following sentences:

Flammable (Fails U.S. Dept. of Commerce Std. FF2-70). Should not be used near source of ignition.

And then I was afraid. I mean, I've never read Std. FF2-70 - but...

Mr. Zoom kills clowns*. Dead clowns are flammable. Now my bath mats are telling me that THEY are flammable as well.

Have I just voided our homeowner's fire insurance policy?

*Clown Killing = Farts. Women's version = Releasing Weiner Dogs. It all has to do with the sound, people. Loud clappers usually sound like someone has killed a clown and stomped on his horn nose. Weiner Dogs make that little whiny noise that is reluctant and shy - like a girl saying "I do not do that, that's gross - but that one just slipped out. I coudn't help it."


The Management said...

Me = Don't feel like working...


In addition to the definitions given in section 2 of the Flammable Fabrics Act, as amended (sec. 1, 81 Stat. 568; 15 U.S.C. 1191), and the procedures under that act for setting standards (part 1607 of this chapter), the following definitions apply for the purposes of this Standard:

(a) Acceptance Criterion means that at least seven out of eight individual specimens of a small carpet or rug shall meet the test criterion as defined in this Standard.

(b) Test Criterion means the basis for judging whether or not a single specimen of small carpet or rug has passed the test, i.e., the charred portion of a tested specimen shall not extend to within 2.54 cm. (1.0 in.) of the edge of the hole in the flattening frame at any point.

(c) Small Carpet means any type of finished product made in whole or in part of fabric or related material and intended for use or which may reasonably be expected to be used as a floor covering which is exposed to traffic in homes, offices, or other places of assembly or accommodation, and which may or may not be fastened to the floor by mechanical means such as nails, tacks, barbs, staples, adhesives, and which has no dimension greater than 1.83 m. (6 ft.) and an area not greater than 2.23 m. 2 (24 sq. ft.). Products such as “Carpet Squares” with dimensions smaller than these but intended to be assembled, upon installation, into assemblies which may have dimensions greater than these, are excluded from this definition. They are, however, included in the Standard for the surface flammability of carpets and rugs (FF 1–70) (subpart A of part 1630 of this chapter). Mats, hides with natural or synthetic fibers, and other similar products are included in this definition if they are within the defined dimensions, but resilient floor coverings such as linoleum, asphalt tile and vinyl tile are not.

(d) Small Rug means, for the purposes of this Standard, the same as small carpet and shall be accepted as interchangeable with small carpet.

(e) Traffic Surface means a surface of a small carpet or rug which is intended to be walked upon.

(f) Timed Burning Tablet (pill) means the methenamine tablet, weighing approximately 0.149 grams (2.30 grains), sold as Product No. 1588 in Catalog No. 79, December 1, 1969, by the Eli Lilly Company of Indianapolis, Ind. 46206, or an equal tablet.

(g) Fire-Retardant Treatment means any process to which a small carpet or rug has been exposed which significantly decreases the flammability of that small carpet or rug and enables it to meet the acceptance criterion of this Standard.

The Management said...

Here is the link to the rest of the CFR if you're interested!


Ryan said...

Clown Killing...that's gonna have to go in my vocab right next to "yayness". New words - woohoo!

I'm no insurance agent, but why stress over the flammable bath mat. If it ignites, it's the first evidence to go!

...or maybe it's because you don't want your house to go up in flames in the first place. I should think before I type.

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water, let the...ohh, sorry. :P

Aisha T. said...

I am chomping at the bit to use clown killing in my next conversation. Unfortunately, I'm at work and I don't think a hotel guess will appreciate it. Hmmmm...I'm going to make a few personal phone calls.

BTW, that jazz hands comment had me laughing my ass off.

Aisha T. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
theresa said...

I still haven't gotten you a wedding gift. Perhaps I could knit you a little coverlet for the fire extinguisher next to your toilet.

ZooooM said...

The Flammable Fabrics Act could put a Jack Russel Terrier down for a snooze, no?

I thought our Discovery Code was rife with definitions of definitions.

Thanks Management Otter.

Ryan, I'm not REALLY worried about any insurance. I'm just being wacky.

Aisha, it's not a party until someone whips out the Jazz Hands, I'm tellling you.

T! A fire extinguisher coozie!!