Thursday, January 12, 2006

Booty. And Not Necessarily the Good Kind.

FAM called me this week to tell me I should drop by the house to pick up some "stuff" she had for me. My Dad is retired, and my Mom just got about a month in between her job assignments.

This is dangerous. Both of them are at home with everything and nothing to do. This leads to volleys of crazy that sometimes result in hurt feelings. With the extra energy, they have decided to spring clean the entire house.

In addition to this, Mom decided to take an art clas in the evenings. Now, I love my Mom. I love my Dad. But, they are insane. I am insane as well, as one who is raised by wolves acts wolflike.

Mom's class is on Thursday nights. I figured it would be a good time to get over there and pick up the "stuff". It's a lot easier to hide the look of horror from the person trying to be nice to you when they aren't around.

FAM is queen of the pack rattedness. Ever since I moved out of the parental house in 1991, I've been getting these little care packages made up of the stuff my Mom has purchased over her lifetime...for no reason in particular.

In order to stay alive, I've learned that I need to take all of the offering and sort through it later at home. Where Mr. Zoom and I can gague the level of my parents' latest game of Crazy Crazy by the items we are given.

Behold tonight's score:

Now, the books are absoulety welcome in my home. The Disney books were mine as a kid, although I never took to the one cook book even wrapped in a Disney disguise. The other two books were given to my Dad in 1955, by his parents. There's an inscription inside of them that says so. This is why we sort later. Most of the time there's a gem in the clutter.

The items that I don't quite understand are:
  1. A Dilbert Calendar for 2006 - She gave me this exact calendar for Christmas. Now I have two, and I'm guessing she bought a whole baker's dozen of them at Costco in July of last year if correctly recall her Christmas shopping habits.
  2. A candle. A blueBEARY scented candle, that is indeed, blue and has a picture of a Teddy Bear on it. It smells like someone mixed blue Otter pops and baby poop in a blender and then made a candle out of it.
  3. A remote control mini car and charger/controller. At least this doesn't smell.
  4. A couple of blank, decorative journals. I bet she bought a baker's dozen of these at Costco too.
  5. A fold a day calendar for 2006. The idea is that every day you create a new little airplane with the page. Again with the calendars.
  6. And the best - An envelope with some pictures of my kitty which I always appreciate... AND A CANCELLED STAMP FROM A CHRISTMAS CARD that they received this year.

When I was like...6 (1975) , I think I might have thought about a stamp collection hobby. It never fully materialized, and to tell you the truth I was probably just looking to cut something up that day. Cutting the stamps out of envelopes was "acceptable". Now, indelibly burned in my Mom's control panel is "Zoom collects stamps!". Ever since 1975, my mother has been peppering my life with random stamp offerings. It's absolutely amazing. The same woman who can't remember that she already gave me a Dilbert calendar for 2006....still gives me stamps (or in this case A stamp) for a hobby I NEVER EVEN TRULY HAD!

And how does she choose? They get about 100 cards at Christmas, and she gave me ONE STAMP! When my Grandma passed away after a long battle with Alzheimers, we found a huge box of - yes - stamps that Grandma had peeled off of envelopes and stashed away. My mom handed them over to me and waited for the glee I was supposed to exhibit at having such a large contribution to my life's hobby.

After loading the car with my treasure, I went into Dad's office to see what he was up to. Take a look at the next picture, and see if you recognize the Crazy Ball that my Dad spiked over the net this month to win the competition:

  1. I said "What is that round thing in the middle?" He said "It's the power source! You see, there's always been a light there, but it never worked. So I took it out and installed that. Isn't it neat-o?" I said "Yeah, let me get my camera. Mr. Zoom is going to want evidence that this really exists." He said "oooo! Look how I can position the lights to point wherever I want!"
  2. This is obviously designed to BE MOUNTED ON THE CEILING. However, what you might not be able to see is that the ceiling in this room is already covered by the world's largest ceiling fan. WHICH ALREADY HAS A LARGE LIGHT IN IT. A light so bright, that when it is turned on, moths on the other side of the world begin to migrate to my parents' house.

GOD I love my family!


Rev. Brandy said...

I just have nothing to contribute to this post of absolute comic beauty and genius except that I am completely reduced to giggles, and that's such a delightful thing.

If I itemized all of my Christmas gifts from my crazy mother, we'd find those eerie similarities --- not to mention the thread of "crazy" running through everything --- that further validate our relation.

Al said...

Ohh My God -
I am sooooooo laughing.
I think all families are nuts - some hide it better than others.

AndyT13 said...

Oh that is SO familiar sounding. Mine are equally nutty. Maybe even more so. I'll spare you the details but I could go on for hours. Love ya! What's a Dyson?

Aisha T. said...

OH, MY, GA! The crazy packed away thing and the lights. I used to have that sort of light thing in my old apartment. It was on the ceiling though. The! I am dying over here.

I love your family too, Zooom.

BTW, don't feel so bad. If you are ever feeling that family is weird, check out my very first post from August 18. It is from when I was back home in Montana visiting the parents. There are a couple of pics of one of the cats that my dad shaved. Don't ask.

theresa said...

What a great laugh!

I made a rule a while back that I never, ever, ever tell people in my family that I like anything that someone might consider collectable. I also never decorate with themes or put anything in my house that might be considered theme-like.

A while back a friend gave me a rooster carving for my kitchen (it's actually kinda cool). however, my Mom and my MiL got a gander at that and started showing up with roosters for my kitchen. I finally had to sit them both down and say, "Ladies! Enough with the cocks!"

ZooooM said...

All of you are making me laugh. Aisha, Mr. Zoom and I immediately went to your post with the poor little shaved kitty. OH MY GAWD.

As soon as I barfed this entry into the blogger, before Mr. Zoom read it, I said "Just remember you love me. And my family."

He even smelled the candle after I warned him not to.