Tuesday, January 17, 2006

There Goes Another Wife Life

Mr. Zoom doesn't wear his wedding ring on the left hand. He prefers the right. It's just a comfort thing. His mom nearly died when she found out he wasn't going to wear it on the "correct" hand. She expected me to be upset too, but I honestly don't care what hand/finger he wears it on, or if he even wears one at all.

When Mr. Zoom got himself the new job, I told him that I was going to make him wear badges to the new place for about a month. Little helpful signs that said "I'm married, and she will kill you." "My wife is crazy." Things like that. Because, I NOW reasoned, how are people supposed to know he's off the market unless he wears the brand?

And even though I'd never really ask him to do such a thing, I did come up with one particular badgeable phrase for him: "My medication is expired."

And the best part about it - is that it's true! I was going through the medicine cabinet the other day and I found medication that EXPIRED in 1998!!

If I did the math right, I was 29 when that particular container of pills WENT BAD! 29!! I'm currently 36, looking really hard at 37.

"You aren't seriously thinking you can still use this, are you?"

"What? It's still good."

This is exactly the same conversation we have over open beverage containers only it's me being crazy there.

The same force that prevents Mr. Zoom from throwing out expired medication prevents me from drinking out of the same beverage container the next day. If I open a soda (one of those plastic bottles with the cap) or water or something, and don't finish it - Mr. Zoom will put it in the refrigerator.

And then I work around it for as long as it takes for the thing to disappear. Which is garbage night - and it's my job to take out the garbage. Once he brought one of those CONTAMINATORS to me as a beverage to accompany my dinner. I squirmed and deployed the "but it's flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" excuse until he finally took it away.

Now when he says "I know, you have an open container issue...", I can say "Yeah, and you have an expired medication issue." And not that it means anything or makes any sense at all, really - but I'll have hopefully distracted him long enough for the t.v. to take over and make him forget I'm being difficult.


Al said...

The soda and water doesn't bother me if it has a cap - would never do the cans. Once, at my old office (place was in shambles), someone went to take a dink from a soda can and a bug crawlled out - so no old soda for this kid.

Medication - all depends on what it is. If it's "good stuff" *wink wink*, you never throw it out - you never know what kind of day you might have tommorrow (the day after you throw it out will be the exact day that you will need the valium you threw out the night before).

After 15 years, my wife would put on the badge "Go ahead, take him" or "Danger, this one is has more baggage than a 747" or "Will trade for pudding snackpack"

I don't think you have to worry about Mr. Zoom - he knows how good he's got it. Forget about age - I bet your still getting much attention from random fellas
By the way - Isn't a six month wedding ann. right around the corner...

ZooooM said...

HE HE HE HE HE! Snackpack. And I agree on the medication that can get one through a certain kind of day. I do. But I've been programmed so that I think something past it's do not eat date is so evil that I can't even get past the psychological block of a stupid date. It works this way for me and food, too.

And my teeny little logic center knows that's dumb, but my gigantic crazy control panel is at the wheel.

Mr. Zoom and I trust each other to pieces, which is why I don't care whether he wears a wedding ring or not. He does it because he wants to. I jut got used to being there all day every day with him. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel a little bit anxious - but I do believe it's a healthy anxious. Nothing that is going to come out as "Oh? And why were you talking to someone named Bambi?"

And I only use age as a guide. The last time I got upset about a birthday was my 30th. I called it black Friday and I moped the good mope. But after that I honestly don't care. Half the time I can't remember what age I am! Unless, of course the new staff services guy is 21.

I guess our six month thingie would be May. But again, I'm not an anniversary person. I'm just broken.