Friday, March 17, 2006

I Brought Porn to the Police Station

Contrary to what your gut might be telling you, I wasn’t arrested. My family and I were attending an event honoring my brother.

Mr. Zoom couldn’t go. That meant that I had to get in a car with Mom and Dad. At 6:00 a.m. Carpooling was the only choice, as the destination was about 60 miles away. Even then, it took us two solid hours to get there.

I almost always have a book with me wherever I go. This was no exception. Unfortunately, the book I’m currently reading is "The Other Hollywood - The Uncensored Oral History of the Porn Industry." The quote on the front cover sums it up nicely: "Eloquent and Sleazy."

After the big police event, my family and I were waiting for my brother so that we could go get something to eat. I was putting my camera away when a dear family friend spied my book. She hadn’t seen the title of it, but she is a librarian - so she’s attracted to books just like I am. She’s probably about 75 years old.

She said "HEY! What book are you reading?" It was at that exact moment that I realized what book I had with me, and how the contents stood in such contrast to my surroundings at that moment.

I said "Oh, that? Uh...er....uh....that’s not a book. That’s a pamphlet on legal stuff....for work..." This couldn’t have been a worse punt if I tried. What I attempted to pass off as a pamphlet is indeed, a 620 page, bright orange and yellow book on the history of porn.

Our family pal wouldn’t give up. "Oh, come on" she said "let me see it." and before I knew it she had grabbed it out of my bag and had it out in the open. Damn stealthy for a 75 year old lady.

Because she was sitting there watching this unfold, I yelled to my Mom "Look away Mom, it’s naughty!" to which my Mom responded "Wha? What are you...oooooooooh, ZOOM! Geez, can’t take you anywhere....."

Our dear 75 year old family friend put the book down and began to leaf through it. She pulled out a piece of paper and took note of the title and authors. She then passed it back to me. I tucked it into my bag and thought "Of course I brought porn to a police station. Next time I should buy some drugs and then ask for a tour of the facilities."

5 comments:

theresa said...

a pamphlet? You're a terrible liar ... the best part of the story.

AndyT13 said...

The kicker misses the punt, the kicker is sacked, the is receovered by the defense and run in for a touchdown. Way to go Zoomie! :-) Please never stop blogging. I couldn't get through the week without these stories.
Speaking of books, ever finish my novel?

Al said...

that ones goes up there with:
"It's not mine, I'm just holding it for a friend"
"It's oregano"
"I'm spending the night at____'s House"
and
"no honey, I'm not late because I stopped at the bar. There was a terrible flood and these nuns carrying kittens had to be rescued because the sharks at the aquarium got loose and were swimming in the flood and were going to eat them.."

theresa said...

Al, you're a terrible liar too. I think I've found my calling. I'm going to start "lying tutorials".

ZooooM said...

T and Al, I have never lied well. This is why I can't pull a decent practical joke unless it involves being out of the physical space and eye contact of the target. There are so many stories there.

Andy, I didn't finish your novel. I am a horrible blogger friend. =( I did read much of it, though. I am a fidgity soul, and I went to the back about 3/4 the way through to see what exactly all the adventures were about. I thought it was a good story. It reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode.

And thanks for your kind words to me.