Tuesday, September 05, 2006

His Ticket Comes in the Form of a Marriage License

Labor Day afternoon. Mr. Zoom and I had slept in. We wallowed in our day off with glee. We didn't even bother to change out of our jammies the entire day.

About 3 or 4, we got hungry. I don't cook. I hate cooking. I will never like it. I did not hide this fact from Mr. Zoom before we got married. We didn't have much in the way of groceries in the house anyway, so that left us with the drive through option.

We didn't change. We just climbed into the truck in full jammie couture and began to make our way to junk food sustenance. It comes out of a window and we never have to exit the vehicle - it's like driving your couch to the kitchen.

On our way Mr. Zoom broke out into what I thought was channeling. "I just California stopped that stop sign dammit. CRAP. Rolled it. dammit. DAMMIT." I said "uhhhh....what's wrong? Is there a cop pulling you over? I don't see lights...or a car .... " He said "Yeah....DAMMIT." That's about when Mr. Zoom pulled over, and I saw the police car coming up behind us. Now, here's the important part. The police man hadn't even started his lights or was he even behind us before Mr. Zoom started to pull over. I tried to be supportive "It's ok honey. It's just a ticket, no biggie. Traffic school."

Mr. Officer came over to my side of the vehicle. I had removed my sunglasses, because I figured the way we looked - jammies, slippers and my special fright wig bed head, it would be helpful. He asked us to turn off the engine. He said "I assume you know why I'm here, since I didn't even pull you over yet." Mr. Zoom took full responsibility. He admitted he rolled the sign. Mr. Officer wanted his license, registration and insurance.

Here's where we looked like total crack heads. I had about 2 years worth of registrations in my glove compartment. I fished the wrong one out and gave it to the Officer. THEN I found the right one and gave him that. Mr. Zoom handed over his license, and an expired insurance card. We assured the officer that our insurance was current, but we didn't exactly have proof of that...at the moment.

I knew we were going down. I've been yelled at by traffic officers before. My proof of insurance cards renew ever six months, so often I forget to take them from the house into the car. STUPID, I know. It's just one of those things with me. Like losing my keys. I do it all the time and I should know better - yet I insist on making that same mistake over and over.

Now, even though I knew a ticket was unavoidable, I was a little happy about it. You see, I've had to go to traffic school 4 times since I started driving. And this time the ticket wasn't going to me. I love Mr. Zoom more than anything, but the guy hasn't had to experience traffic school on the level I have. Some might argue that is because he is a better driver than I am, and I would agree. Very much so. But this is my sense of fairness we are looking into and your logic has no authority here.

In the 4 times I've been pulled over and ticketed, I've never once been disrespectful to the officer. I've always admitted what I've done. I always thought being honest and respectful might get me a pass. And I've got boobs! If Mr. Zoom's opinion of them is correct, they are quite nice and should have at least gotten me out of a ticket or two. Alas, this is not the case for me. I've been to traffic school every time as a result. Anyone who's been to this snoozefest just one time knows how claw your eyes out agonizing it is. Stupid not working boobs.

So you can, perhaps, see how I smugly thought to myself "Ah, Mr. Zoom...be polite, apologize and be honest. It's not going to get you out of it. Trust me, I know. I'll pack you a little lunchable for your day at traffic school."

That's when the officer said "Well, since it's a holiday and all, I'm not going to write you a ticket. Bla bla bla careful bla bla bla pay attention......" and my body visibly tightened in disbelief. Mr. Zoom thanked the officer and we were on our way again.

I turned to him and said "I hate you." I then followed up with some impressive bitterpout, "I NEVER GET OUT OF TICKETS! And I've got the girls! It's not fair. How many times have you been to traffic school?" He responded, "Once." I repeated "I hate you." Mr. Zoom knowing he was dealing with crazy, decided to run with it. "Not only that, but the one time I had to go, it was Kevin and Bean's comedy traffic school." For anyone not familiar, Kevin and Bean are the comedy morning drive duo on radio station KROQ. They are immature jackasses. I love their shtick. So of course it's only fair that he got to attend their traffic school that NO LONGER EXISTS.

Now, I can't hold on to a thought for very long. Generally I'd have been peeved at the perceived injustice for about 5 minutes, and then totally forgotten about it. This was not to be the case this day. As we rounded the corner on our way home again, I said "AND WEREN'T WE NEXT TO A SCHOOL?? How is that fair? I NEVER get out of tickets. EVER. AND I HAVE THE GIRLS!"

Mr. Zoom, probably amazed that I'd maintained a subject for more than 10 minutes now, asked "So, are you saying that if you were driving, we would have gotten a ticket?" I put on my indignant face and shot back "YES. Not only that, we would have ALSO been cited for not having proof of insurance all proper like. IN FACT, I bet if you had ASKED him for a ticket, he would have STILL let you go. I hate you."

As we sat at the light waiting, I took the opportunity to yell out of the truck's open windows so other drivers with open windows could hear: "YES, here he is! The great ticket avoider. Yesireee. Ticketless."

Mr. Zoom calmly replied "Look, why don't you get on your bike and ride back over to the officer. Explain all of this to him and get me a ticket. OK?" My reply was flat and bitter. "I still hate you."

Later that night we were watching t.v. on the couch. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling over having Mr. Zoom with me and I said "I love you. Thanks for putting up with me." He said "Aw, I love you too. I'm glad to see you didn't hate me for very long." I smiled and said "Oh, I still hate you - traffic ticket shield man. Ticket repeller. I just love you at the same time."


The Idiot said...

And I've got boobs! If Mr. Zoom's opinion of them is correct, they are quite nice and should have at least gotten me out of a ticket or two.

"Quite Nice"!? Now there's the understatement of the year.

Breathtaking. Awe Inspiring. God at his feminine creation best. Boobtacular. Perfect. Truly Perfect.

.....now that's more like it.

I should be single by tomorrow.

Ka said...

I think Herr Zoom was also in the car when I got my last ticket for speeding circa 1991. We were driving to a haloween party... in costume.

The cop couldn't keep a straight face when he asked me to remove my mask.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. Zoom is right... you should have atleast gotten out of two tickets.

Barry said...

That love-hate thing must really be something!!

Spin_Doc1 said...

I used to have a special talent and had not received a ticket ever! Until moving to BFE where I received 2 in 2 weeks by the same officer. The gift is gone.

Unacknowledged Genius said...

jammies and bedhead = no traffic citation?

maybe mr zoom didn't get a ticket because your boobs were in the car with him?

AndyT13 said...

I had the opposite experience in a prior life. She'd flash the baby blues and the cleavage and 90 in a 45 would get a "seatbelt" fine.
I got tagged for everything.