Today began just like any other day. I left for work and stopped at the coffee shop for a large decaf and a cinnamon sugar bagel. Because the coffee ladies are always so nice to me, I try to tip them with a dollar about every week or so. I often pay with a card, so the opportunity for dumping any extra change from cash in their tip jar just doesn't present itself. I placed a dollar in the jar and proceeded on my way. On my way to the car, I predictably spilled much of the coffee directly onto my blue shirt. I cussed at myself and got into my truck.
On the way to the office, I made a turn. A turn I've made every day for nearly five years. Unfortunately for me, my bagel was placed in my bag in such a way that this particular turn flung the bagel and it's protective pastry bag directly onto the floor of my truck. THUMP! The bagel wiggled it's way out of the bag with each minor bump in the road - because only being half way covered in muck wasn't good enough.
I made another turn. Unbeknownst to me, I had returned my wallet in my purse so that it sat on the same trajectory as my bagel. I am not kidding you when I say my wallet flew out of my purse and landed INSIDE the now empty (save for the goo that cinnamon sugar leaves behind) pastry baggie ON THE FLOOR OF MY TRUCK.
I arrived at work and gathered up the shrapnel that was now my possessions - and inedible breakfast. I dumped the bagel and magic bag into the trash, and spilled EVEN MORE COFFEE ON MYSELF while hobbling to the elevator in my office building.
We have a food vendor lady that comes to our office in the morning, and then at lunch time. She sells breakfast and lunch items. Because I now had no breakfast, I went to her to buy something to replace my bagel. I chose something innocuous, and went to pay her the $2 I owed her.
I opened my sticky wallet, and inside looking back at me was a $1 bill. What you don't know at this particular moment is that I left my house this morning with both a $20 AND a $1. Because I was now staring at only a $1 bill - say it with me people - that meant that I had tipped the coffee ladies $20 this morning!!
I started to laugh - so that I wouldn't cry. I explained to the food lady that I would not be needing her services - but thanks.
I sat down at my desk and looked at the clock. It was only 9:15. I had left my house at 8:45 this morning. In one half hour I had managed to buy a bagel and a coffee for $23.60 - of which I was able to consume ONLY about half of the coffee and none of the bagel. Oh, and lets not forget the cost of now dry cleaning an item for yet another coffee stain.
I knew I had to confess to Mr. Zoom right away. Because making this sad situation even worse was the fact that JUST LAST NIGHT he and I had a talk about saving money and being super careful with what we bought. Of course we did. And apparently my first act in helping us accomplish that goal was to literally throw money away.
I shot him an e-mail with the subject line: Your Wife is a Moron. The body said "Go ahead, ask me how. But first promise you won't divorce me."
About 2 minutes later my desk phone rang. It was Mr. Zoom. He wanted to know "what did you do. I won't divorce you." After a good few false starts by me, both due to my giggles AND my reluctance to just come out with what I'd done, he said "Is this going to cause me great pain and anguish?" And of course I heard "cause" and thought he said "cost" - so I said "Well, I can tell you that so far it's cost you at least $20!"
I finally got the whole story out. Mr. Zoom gave me the Best Husband Ever response by giggling right along with me. Then about 2 hours later I got an e-mail from him with a present attached. I don't know how to get it to display here, I think it is too large.
It was a "cheat sheet" with a picture of a $20 and a $1 with a huge = sign between them. And that was crossed out with a giant red circle and a slash.