Thursday, May 04, 2006

If It's Too Loud, You Are Too Old. Cool, I'm Deaf!

Eating out these days costs more than money. Sometimes it means giving the establishment a small amount of one's hearing abilities. I'm not looking forward to inflation.

Ever go to a restaurant and find a band playing in it? I'm not talking about a bar or restaurant that is known for live music. Those are excluded from this hissyfit. I'm talking about a place that you've gone to for years, and then suddenly there's a person with a guitar, an amp and a tip jar screeching out a tune. He's not crazy, homeless or trespassing, he's been hired ON PURPOSE. There's a time and a place for live music, but my dinner/lunch isn't that place. Ever.

One of my favorite restaurants in the world recently hired such a person. This place is small. There's not enough room in there for "entertainment". I'm easily amused, and I can entertain myself - thanks. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but the music is so loud, I feel like I'm in a kind of musical trash compactor and it's only a matter of time before I lie down and just let myself be crushed.

Why, why why does live music have to be at the making my ears bleed volume? How can one little round man with one acoustic guitar require any kind of an amp in a 20ft by 80ft enclosure? I get it at live concert events - places with actual stages. But while trying to eat, I do not need to hear the Charlie Brown theme at amphitheater volume. No matter how stinking cool the tune is.

Do you people have any idea how hard it is to get food in my yap when my teeth are clenched together in that "make it stop" face? If I'm already at Hangry stage, you want food going in, not being deflected. Trust me on this.

And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. This place is so small, people seat themselves. And every single person claws their way to a table as far away from "the band" as possible. There is always a row of empty tables directly in front of the music man.

So please, dining establishments, if you haven't in the past hired a band, don't start now. In fact, it should be illegal to change atmospheres on me unexpectedly - but I'll trust for now that you would rather take my money than have me spend it elsewhere. See how cooperative I can be?

And to those of you who perform, I'm not trying to take away your performance options. I'm all for loud, live music in those places I've come to expect it - Although I still need to know why it must be played so loud that I'd almost rather be locked in my car with crying babies.

I need a cookie.


Aisha T. said...

Well, look on the bright side zoom, it could be stand up nite. Trust me, I've done the horrible comedy circuit in the restaurant in the middle of nowhere route. The talent is um, well, there is not much of it. I know what you mean though, ya just want to eat and chat with your honey. And I KNOW that would be more entertaining than any guitar with an amp or person that thinks they are funny.

Barry said...

Well, I love live music, but no need to be too loud. My favorite live music setting was where a band played, but you could actually have a converstion without shouting. Whatever all that means. Besides sometimes I am a wannabe performer.