Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Race to Register Ends in Video

I dislike Kohls. I hate WalMart. I love Target.

I only go to Kohls when I need something I can't find at Target. Usually, that is some kind of cheap jewelry to wear at some event I need to look "coordinated" at. Weddings, etc.

Kohls has the largest selection of cheap bling I have ever seen. It's like the holy grail of crappy jewelry, surrounded on all sides by items that - even if you wanted to purchase - you could never actually pick up and take to the register. At least you wouldn't want to.

Why? Because Kohls ALWAYS looks like it hosted a field trip of difficult, unsupervised school children just hours before you enter the store. Shelves are half empty. They are only half empty because the items that ARE there don't belong there. All of the merchandise is either on the floor, or strewn about the racks/shelves in random places as if feral humans (nod to Scaggsville) have tried to construct nests - and subsequently abandoned them.

I don't fancy myself a snooty shopper, but I'd like to at least have the illusion that the item I'm buying hasn't been crumpled, folded, drop kicked or drooled on more than once. Being able to find just one of the item on the shelf/hanger (the intended shelf/hanger) will do that for me.

Last week I found myself in the "have to go to Kohls" place. I went, found the crappy jewelry I needed, and proceeded to the one register in about 20 that had a person working it. I was lucky, nobody was in line yet.

When I got to the main aisle, an older man with a cart FULL of women's clothes saw that I was headed to the same register he was. I swear to you, that man gathered up every ounce of old man gusto (yes, I said gusto) he had and sprinted to the register with his cart in order to get there before I could. In fact, I dare say he used a bit of future old man gusto just to beat me there.

And I was annoyed. I had exactly one $8.00 item in my hand. Even if he didn't see that I had only one thing, he had to have noticed I didn't have a cart full of - anything, so he could have safely let me go ahead of him and not been out more than 30 seconds.

Then the real fun began.

He had the 40 or so items of women's clothing arranged by size. He explained to the register woman that he would most likely be bringing a lot of them back, so could she please ring them up in groups of "size"? Easier for returns, you know.

The register lady had already rung up 3 of these items, and had to void them out, and start over. Per his request. This went on for a good 2 minutes.

That's when I pulled out the camera and pointed the video function at the object of my grr. That would be the highly underwhelming video linked below. At one point, you can see me stick my hand in front of the camera with my bling as an illustration: "I HAVE ONE STUPID ITEM, and he has piles of crap. He purposely raced me to the register for this."

Knowing my luck, the next time I need bling I'll be forced to stand in line behind this guy while he returns stuff. I better take a sandwich.

Check this out:

Frustration Dealer - Custom videocodes by MyWynk


Ka said...

Under the "Zoom gets what she deserves" heading... you did go to Kohls, after all.

Then again, I could have sent that bloke there to harass you as payback for kicking me off the team Friday night.

Who am I kidding... I don't have that kind of power... yet.

ZooooM said...

Ka = still fired.

And this trip to Kohls happened last week, well before I fired you.

So neener. Neener neener.

theresa said...

You get "Cool Points" just for having the nerve to video-tape the event. Phenomenal entertainment value!!!

BostonPobble said...

Forgive me, I couldn't watch it all. What I did see was enough to make me want to down large quantities of brown liquor. Wow. I would never actually have the balls to have taped it. I love the fact that you did. The best part was when they both smiled at you and acknowledged the camera. Dear Lord...

Ryan said...

I don't think I've even ever been in a Kohl's. Mom has this thing where she raised us to shop at JCPenney (or Penney's, as she calls it) and no clothes department store other. I really tried dragging her into a Macy's last Christmas, but she wasn't having it. She just wanted to go to Christmas Tree Shops.

That sucks. :(

AndyT13 said...

That is bizarre and hysterical. You poor Zoomy. You can't help it. You draw the crazy to you like flies. I wonder if they make some sort of spray? Oh yeah, MACE. LOL!
You should shop with me. I have no patience for that sort of thing. I would have ignored him completely and asked the cashier to ring me first since I'm in a hurry and have only one item. If she said no or he complained I'd just remove the earrings and put the thing with the bar code and the cash (plus tax) on the counter and walk out. Kudos to you for taping it for our amusement though. Great laughs! Hey btw are you going to finish my novel someday? :-) I had hoped it wasn't THAT bad.

Aisha T. said...

I am friggin' dying....I can't believe you taped it! I keep playing the damn thing!

Al said...

trying hard not to bust out

Unacknowledged Genius said...

I'm going to be a personal shopper just like he is when I become a geriatric. I could become quite the deal with the gals from the nursing home.

Rev. Brandy said...

Okay, having come last to the party, I have to say that:

1. I agree: Kohl's is the last resort store, only barely edging out Wal-Mart in the "icky" race. I might RATHER go to Kohl's than the evil W-M, but that's not saying much at all considering you characterized K's bedlam-look perfectly by saying it appears as if, at all times, it's just hosted a group of unruly schoolchildren. Gross. Icky. Gross.

2. I love the video. LOVE THE VIDEO. I am transfixed. You are a genius. It's almost better than the "Lost" finale. Note, I said ALMOST.

3. What was he buying all the clothes for if not to finally, and thankfully indulge in his cross-dressing fetish? I am so confused about why he needed to group them by size and fretted that he would be bringing the vast majority back . . . w-w-why? I must understand. Can anyone shed a little light?