Thursday, May 11, 2006

"You Know I Love You, Right?"

Yesterday began with my usual trip to the coffee shop. I was on my way to my truck with my bagel and coffee, when a bird flew down and pecked me on the head.

Now, this happened to me last year. Same location, same time of year. The birds are currently nesting and this gives them super powers, apparently. Last year I got three pokes in the head by the bird, who actually landed on my head. This year my attacker simply flew by and gave me a flick in the back of my head without landing.

I turned around and tried to see where the bird went, but he was already gone. The guy walking behind me giggled at me. This caused me to say under my breath "stupid nesting birds." I also wondered if now I had a wisp of hair standing straight up where the bird had attacked.

"It figures." I thought. "I never thought this would happen to me two years in a row, I guess it's just one of those things I can now count on. That should take care of the random weird happening for this week. Now I can relax."


Today, Big Gay MoMo (co-worker, openly gay and friend of mine - as much as someone I talk to in the office can be a "friend") approaches me as I'm walking to lunch and proceeds to have this exact conversation with me:

MoMo:"I need to tell you something."

Zoom: "Ok. What?"

MoMo: "You know I love you, right? You know I think highly of you and all."

Zoom: "....ooooh GOD NO. WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?? Am I walking around with toilet paper stuck on me somewhere that I missed?" As I flail and try to see the idiot flag I must be waving in order to draw MoMo to me at lunch...

MoMo: *astonished* "No, why do you say that?"

Zoom: "Because any time you say 'you know I love you', there's always a 'but', and it's usually quite embarrassing for me."

MoMo: "...BUT...yes, there's a but. I'm only telling you this because someone overheard me make this comment and I didn't want it to get back to you out of context. I didn't want people telling you that I talk about you behind your back. Because I don't. I'll tell you to your face."

...which is true to an extent. Big Gay MoMo will say the most outlandish things right to my face. Which is why we get a long so well. BUT, he just told me he was talking about me when I wasn't around...but it's neither here nor there (channeling my mom?). I don't worry too much about what other people say when I'm not around. If it entertains them, all the better. And I don't have to deal with it.

Zoom: "Ok, just ... let's get this over with. What am I wearing or not wearing that you see as a complete fashion disaster. Because I know you have these ideas about what I should wear, and I can't wear those. I know you are gay and you know these things - but I wouldn't be comfortable in what you would dress me in. So spill it, what's the fashion ticket today?"

MoMo: "Well, not exactly today. It's about your butt."

Zoom: "..."

MoMo: "I was saying how you are black in the butt. It's nice and big. Your pants today are showing it off, and I need you to know I like those pants. I love your butt. I'm not hitting on you or anything...well, you probably know I'm not hitting on you [um, yeah...that one's a given - unless suddenly I look like a boy]. Your butt is spectacular in those pants."

Zoom: "I have a big butt."

MoMo: "You are black in the butt."

Now, before Mr. Zoom reads this and tries to make Big Gay MoMo into a hockey puck, I have to say it's not like I felt like running home, taking a shower, burning my clothes and picking up a meth habit to drop a bunch of weight. This kind of statement out of Big MoMo is pretty common and I DO know it isn't meant to bring me down. That's not his style, at least that's what I believe.

But I will tell you that next year, or even next week, I'll take my bird dive bombings with a lot less grumbling. I'd like life to just take a teeny step backwards and go back to THAT as the bar for my weird encounters.


Rev. Brandy said...

"You're black in the butt."

I have never quite heard it put THAT way before, but I have to admit, I like it a lot. My sister, Madonna, has that problem. I think it's adorable, seeing as I don't really have the trouble (if it can be called such) the way she does, but she just disdains the junk in her trunk more than words.

In an Xtreme kind of way, dontcha know.

"Black in da butt." I love it.

ZooooM said...

That's momo for you. He's so creative with the strangely personal yet funny.

Ever since I was a kid I thought my butt was particularly round and annoying. It's probably a size bigger than the rest of my body. Which makes for one annoyed zoom when trying to buy pants/skirts - and dresses are a joke since when the bottom fits, I swim in the top.

Mr. Zoom likes my butt (or so he says), and really, that's all that matters. I'll admit, I'd like to shrink it some, but it's nothing I'm going to obsess over. I go to the gym regular as I can, and I still enjoy a chocolate chip muffin for Friday breakfast. If that maintains my junk in my trunk - so be it.

The Idiot said...

In the made for my situation words of the esteemed Sir Mix-A-Lot

"......I love Zoom's butt, and I cannot lie, you other bloggers can't deny, when my girls sits down and drops some funny on her page, you bust a gut, baby got it going on"

peace out
props to my peeps

DJ Uber-Whitey in full effect yo

Al said...

Your Hub beat me to the sir Mix-a-lot line....Damn it

Aisha T. said...

Black in the butt. Hmmmm...I think most people would get punched for saying something like that but, I get the feeling that coming from momo, it's just par for the course.

Barry said...

I just read two other blogs that had bird stuff in them, I don't mean droppings or crap. well, they both mentioned crap somewhere - but I mean... that this is the thrid blog I have visited with a bird story of some type today. Must be birday (happy bird-day to U, happy bird-day to U) I couldn't resist.

Ryan said...

Hey, I'm black in the crotch! Hey! Heyyy!!! Look!


BostonPobble said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BostonPobble said...

1. One of the Divine M's greatest annoyances with me is that I've got "her" butt and she's got "mine." As she so eloquently phrases it: "No white girl should have that much ass when I've got nothing." She means it as a compliment and I take it as one.

2. I am officially as in love with Mr Zoom as I am with you. That has to be the greatest comment ever. Tell him to get back to writing his own blog. I just found him!!! (and it's all about me, afterall)

AndyT13 said...

It took me the LONGEST time to figure out what the hell momo even meant by that. Negro hiney? That's just wrong. I agree, let bird dive bombs be the bar for weird. What is it about you zoomy that attracts these weirdos? What are you? Crazy Magnet? Sheesh! :-)

The Idiot said...

The characterization you are looking for Andy is....

"Flypaper For Freaks"