Dear Natalie Portman:
My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married on November 4, 2005. This usually would't concern you, as you do not know either of us.
But here's the thing. My boyfriend loves you. He doesn't just love you like "yeeah yeeah, I'd hit that", but he loves you like "Wow, she's pretty, is a great actress AND she's smart...we love her...." He says you have a classic beauty, like Audrey Hepburn.
And I have to agree with him. You seem to have managed to avoid that look of "cheap hot girl" that most of us - whether we will admit it or not - have tried, and fallen short of, before we try selling people on the belief that the modest, classic look is more our style. We all hate you for that, by the way.
And then there's the graduating from Harvard thing. I pretty much hate you for that too.
BUT, all of this is why YOU are the only girl in the world I'd give him up to. And I know you get a gagillion of these wacky requests, but I really need you to listen to me on this.
When we get married in November, I need him to go through the ceremony knowing that you had a chance to marry him, that you thought it out carefully, but decided that while he is a great catch, you believe he will REALLY be happier with me. And that it just wouldn't have worked out between the two of you in the long run.
So, in order for you to make an informed and honest choice as to whether you will forever pass up the opportunity to be with him or not, you should know the following:
1. He's the kindest, most understanding and thoughtful person you'd ever want to meet. He never passes by a situation in obvious need of help without throwing himself in the middle of it. Friends, family and strangers alike.
2. He's really smart. He knows a lot about math - which is HUGE. He knows a lot about philosophy, science, English (and a ton of other languages) and computers.
3. He has a wonderful sense of humor. He can take all kinds of harassment as well as give it out. He constantly makes me laugh. Even when I'm pretty sure I don't want to laugh.
4. He's honest. No, really. He is. Even when it super sucks to be honest, he is.
5. He's very protective of his friends and family.
6. He listens. No, again...REALLY. When I talk, he actually listens. Which, is sometimes not always the best. Especially when I make up words and he shoots coke through his nose laughing at me...but in general it is a good thing.
7. He never gets involved in a hair/clothing fight. You know those times when nothing you wear feels right, when your hair seems to look horrible....but the rest of the world just can't tell the difference? [Maybe you don't, you have peeps that prep you for stuff, but I'm guessing you are still a regular human being and still go through this stuff] You know how much you hate it when someone tries to tell you "Well, I think you look just fine" to diffuse the situation? He never does that. He just waits patiently while I finish my fight.
8. He puts up with all of my quirks. I say things at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and he comforts me.
I have a habit of using ALL of our water glasses at home at pretty much the same time. I can't seem to use just one glass repeatedly. Instead, I leave them all over the house as if we were decorating with them. In fact, we probably could float some votives in there. He just says "That's ok honey."
Sometimes I steal all of the covers and all of the bed. He goes to sleep in the guest room when I do that - and doesn't make me feel bad. He also doesn't make me feel bad when I snore him out of the bed.
9. He is a movie and musical rain man. When he speaks, I'm never really sure if he's really asking me something, or if he's channeling a line from a movie or a song. It's like having IMDB dot com without a computer hook up, accessible at parties or, anytime, really. Handy for settling little quibbles about who was in what movie, when it came out, and what the theme music was. It just seems to activate when you least expect it to.
10. He loves to shop. If you are a girl that loves to shop and you don't want anyone taking away your spotlight, this might be an issue. But if he has a gift certificate to spend, you better believe that he won't have it with him when he goes to spend it. Somehow he always forgets those at home. Which leads me to...
11. His memory. Don't count on it for more than hockey, computer passwords, where the nearest Banana Republic is, or movie and music trivia. Should he happen to remember something extra - be thankful and don't expect it ever again. And don't let him tell you what time you need to be at anyone's wedding. Just trust me on that one.
12. He has more shoes than any girl ever would. And they are all organized by style and color, and each has its own plastic box.
13. He snores. Ear plugs work pretty well. Sometimes they go missing from my own ears in the middle of the night though. I can't fumble around for more of them, so I go sleep in the guest room. I can recommend that you tape record his snoring for much amusement the next day.
14. I love him.
If I do not hear from you, Natalie Portman, before our wedding day, I will assume that silence on your part indicates that he's all mine. And that you, of course, find him appealing - but don't believe you two could share a life together in marriage. And that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to be getting him.
It would really mean a lot to me if I could say to him on our wedding day: "Sweetie, Natalie's not coming. She had her chance, but things just wouldn't have worked out for you crazy kids. Now suck it up and take me home for the rest of your life."
Thank you for your time,