Tuesday, August 16, 2005

An Open Letter to Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman:

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married on November 4, 2005. This usually would't concern you, as you do not know either of us.

But here's the thing. My boyfriend loves you. He doesn't just love you like "yeeah yeeah, I'd hit that", but he loves you like "Wow, she's pretty, is a great actress AND she's smart...we love her...." He says you have a classic beauty, like Audrey Hepburn.

And I have to agree with him. You seem to have managed to avoid that look of "cheap hot girl" that most of us - whether we will admit it or not - have tried, and fallen short of, before we try selling people on the belief that the modest, classic look is more our style. We all hate you for that, by the way.

And then there's the graduating from Harvard thing. I pretty much hate you for that too.

BUT, all of this is why YOU are the only girl in the world I'd give him up to. And I know you get a gagillion of these wacky requests, but I really need you to listen to me on this.

When we get married in November, I need him to go through the ceremony knowing that you had a chance to marry him, that you thought it out carefully, but decided that while he is a great catch, you believe he will REALLY be happier with me. And that it just wouldn't have worked out between the two of you in the long run.

So, in order for you to make an informed and honest choice as to whether you will forever pass up the opportunity to be with him or not, you should know the following:

1. He's the kindest, most understanding and thoughtful person you'd ever want to meet. He never passes by a situation in obvious need of help without throwing himself in the middle of it. Friends, family and strangers alike.

2. He's really smart. He knows a lot about math - which is HUGE. He knows a lot about philosophy, science, English (and a ton of other languages) and computers.

3. He has a wonderful sense of humor. He can take all kinds of harassment as well as give it out. He constantly makes me laugh. Even when I'm pretty sure I don't want to laugh.

4. He's honest. No, really. He is. Even when it super sucks to be honest, he is.

5. He's very protective of his friends and family.

6. He listens. No, again...REALLY. When I talk, he actually listens. Which, is sometimes not always the best. Especially when I make up words and he shoots coke through his nose laughing at me...but in general it is a good thing.

7. He never gets involved in a hair/clothing fight. You know those times when nothing you wear feels right, when your hair seems to look horrible....but the rest of the world just can't tell the difference? [Maybe you don't, you have peeps that prep you for stuff, but I'm guessing you are still a regular human being and still go through this stuff] You know how much you hate it when someone tries to tell you "Well, I think you look just fine" to diffuse the situation? He never does that. He just waits patiently while I finish my fight.

8. He puts up with all of my quirks. I say things at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and he comforts me.

I have a habit of using ALL of our water glasses at home at pretty much the same time. I can't seem to use just one glass repeatedly. Instead, I leave them all over the house as if we were decorating with them. In fact, we probably could float some votives in there. He just says "That's ok honey."

Sometimes I steal all of the covers and all of the bed. He goes to sleep in the guest room when I do that - and doesn't make me feel bad. He also doesn't make me feel bad when I snore him out of the bed.

9. He is a movie and musical rain man. When he speaks, I'm never really sure if he's really asking me something, or if he's channeling a line from a movie or a song. It's like having IMDB dot com without a computer hook up, accessible at parties or, anytime, really. Handy for settling little quibbles about who was in what movie, when it came out, and what the theme music was. It just seems to activate when you least expect it to.

10. He loves to shop. If you are a girl that loves to shop and you don't want anyone taking away your spotlight, this might be an issue. But if he has a gift certificate to spend, you better believe that he won't have it with him when he goes to spend it. Somehow he always forgets those at home. Which leads me to...

11. His memory. Don't count on it for more than hockey, computer passwords, where the nearest Banana Republic is, or movie and music trivia. Should he happen to remember something extra - be thankful and don't expect it ever again. And don't let him tell you what time you need to be at anyone's wedding. Just trust me on that one.

12. He has more shoes than any girl ever would. And they are all organized by style and color, and each has its own plastic box.

13. He snores. Ear plugs work pretty well. Sometimes they go missing from my own ears in the middle of the night though. I can't fumble around for more of them, so I go sleep in the guest room. I can recommend that you tape record his snoring for much amusement the next day.

14. I love him.

If I do not hear from you, Natalie Portman, before our wedding day, I will assume that silence on your part indicates that he's all mine. And that you, of course, find him appealing - but don't believe you two could share a life together in marriage. And that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to be getting him.

It would really mean a lot to me if I could say to him on our wedding day: "Sweetie, Natalie's not coming. She had her chance, but things just wouldn't have worked out for you crazy kids. Now suck it up and take me home for the rest of your life."

Thank you for your time,


Al said...

Zoom - First - this is not Natalie pretending to be someone else lol. Second - I have never laughed so hard in my life. Your Fiance is a lucky guy. I've been lunky enought to be married to a wonderful woman for nearly 15 years. Humor will help you get throught the rough patches (and yes there will be bad parts of the journey - the key is remember why you're together, remember to laugh every chance you get and enjoy the scenery - it can be a beautiful ride. Anyway good luck and May the road rise to meet you, the sun shine brightly on your face... usually by this part of the reception, I'm too crocked to remember the Irish wedding blessing

The Idiot said...

.....this portion of the comments section sponsored by Kleenex Tissue

....are you trying to make me cry, is that what you were shooting for here?

I can honestly say that this is the most memorable anything anyone has ever done for me. Well, this and the time my mom waited in the parking lot for me after dropping me off at my first school dance because she knew I'd be running right back to her in mortal fear of all the girls there.

Thank you sweetheart. The next time you tell me that you never do anything for me or are such a trainwreck, remember this. Remember that I'll always love you more than anything else.

Even Natalie Portman.

ZooooM said...

Hello Al! Thanks for your comments. If laughing is a key to marriage, C and I are carrying around a janitor's set to a ginormous institution. But it is nice to have people tell you honestly, sometimes it's just work to be married. And it will get rough at times. So many people had tried to convince me (prior to my finding C) that marriage was flawless...and I knew it couldn't be. I became rather cynical.

And my Idiot. I wasn't trying to make you cry. Honest. I was actually thinking I'd be getting stink face from you for this little post. But, maybe that's because I didn't write about what a hot butt you have?

That ought to do it.

theresa said...

This is the sweetest, funniest, most romantic love letter EVER ! ! ! He'd be an IDIOT not to marry you ... wait, I mean a FOOL not to marry you.

ZooooM said...

Theresa, I might have to amend my statements to include you with the Natalie Portman. You are too funny.

VOICEOVER: I went to her blog and ohmygosh it had me rolling on the floor and calling C in going "Look at that honey! She's like Dooce, only a little different...but in a good way."

Rev. Brandy said...

Hands down, this is the kind of post that will end up on TV or at least radio. I agree with everyone --- one of the most romantic love letters of all time. Again, you guys are just too cute!

I hope Natalie Portman reads it.