Thursday, August 18, 2005

Yeah. I Had to Eat in the Office Kitchen Today...

C and I would love to start saving money. As soon as the money sucking machine commonly referred to as "our wedding" moves away from our bank accounts, we might even have a shot at this.

One of the most often cited ways to save money is to eat out as little as possible. Ok, ok. This makes sense. Unfortunately, I'd rather sunburn my eyeballs than take food to our office and later eat it.

First of all, there's the regular "the kitchen is gross" thing. People cook/reheat their gruel in there, and it smells like - well, hot trash.

And the microwave? I call our office microwave "the old man's artery". It used to have like at least a 9 by 12 inch opening in which to insert food. Due to food carnage and remains having built up over time, there is now approximately 4 by 6 inches of space within which to work.

Then there is the refrigerator. Management claims that the refrigerator is cleaned out every week. That no matter what, everything is tossed out on Fridays. This is a huge, HUGE lie. The only cleaning out of the refrigerator that happens is the stealing of food.

Not one single day goes by that someone doesn't say out loud, and generally to no-one in particular..."I swear I put my food right there. It's gone. Seriously gone. Someone ate my FOOD?!" It's usually someone new to the firm.

I sometimes wonder if it's actually the old food in the fridge that ate the new food. Sorta like fish sometimes eat their young?

Here's an honest to goodness conversation between two individuals in the kitchen today:

Person 1: As she opened the freezer door, she said "I totally miss seeing the corndog here when I open the freezer door. It was in here for so long. It used to fall out of the box every time we opened the door."

Person 2: "Who's was it?"

Person 1: "It was Jane's. It used to lay here with that ice fuzz all over it. I think she said it was soy."

Paging Chandler Bing.

Which brings me to our wonderful co-workers. If I bring lunch, I'll have to eat in the kitchen where people ALWAYS talk to me. I can have my face in a book or the paper, and they still insist on talking to me.

When I'm at my desk and working, nobody comes over to say: "Do you want some of my potato chips? They are less greasy than Ruffles!" or "I bought some doilies on E-bay the other day." And "Here's my catalogue of faux stylie bling. I get to wear a button that says "I'm super fantastic" if I sell at least 13 units of this by next week. Please order something!"

Conversations like the above examples will drive me to drink. And we all know that booze is far more expensive than just eating lunch out every day.

And believe me, I know that restaurant food could be, and probably is, full of scary things too. But the difference is - and this is key - I can't see it, and therefore I don't know about it.

I'd rather work 10 extra years and eat lunch out of the office every day than deal with our office kitchen.


theresa said...

Very scary in a funny way ... or ... very funny in a scary way. I don't know which cuz I just took a sleepy-time pill.


*(brought to you by MILFs Against Ambien and Blogging)*

ZooooM said...

Hi. Say no to ludes? Or just say no to ludes when blogging?

Ambien. The butterfly drug.

Rev. Brandy said...

This is utterly hilarious. I don't even know where to begin. I think the corn dog piece might be my favorite, or it might be the microwave, now clogged with radiated food residue, like an old man's artery. Oh, me . . . oh, my . . . I wonder where I am eating lunch today?

Kathy said... make me so very happy to know that I only have 2 people in my office, and that I'm the only one that puts anything in the fridge or microwave. Nastiness.

Al said...

"can't speak a word when yor're full of 'ludes"

Remember the real danger in drugs...not sharing

Lol - one of the microwaves at my office has a sign on it "please don't put your stinky fish in here" I used to not be able to stop laughing when ever I saw it until someone actually cooked stinky fish.

Rev. Brandy said...


ZooooM said...

Hi Al and Kathy. Rev, I don't know why the blam storm. I just keep trying to delete it, hoping it will leave me alone. If it keeps up, I'll have to turn commenting off completely - I'm guessing.

Anonymous said...

I'm writing way back in 2005 so it'd be out of the mainstream. I tried to find an email address on your profile and couldn't. I find myself starting over at age 49 after the demise of my 30 year marriage. I seemed to remember you are a paralegal/legal assistant? I'm thinking about going doing a 2 yr degree as a paralegal. I was wondering what your thoughts are regarding someone my age getting a job in this field. If you have time, drop me a line?
oh and this is Jenny aka Unacknowledged Genius