Tuesday, September 27, 2005

And I've Always Been Told Childlessness Causes Bitter

The invites are in the mail, as of today*.

In honor of that, I'm going to share a recent bit of, eh...I guess one could call it advice, I received from my mom's nutso neighbor, Janine.

Janine asked me what C and I would like as a wedding gift. Being totally uncomfortable with this, I just said "Really, nothing. We've got everything we need. But thank you so much for offering."

With this, Janine proceeded to tell me about her own marriage, years ago. Her husband George had gone over seas. He was in the military. While he was over there, he bought and sent back to her a mini bar.

Years later, they got a divorce. According to Janine, George would call her regularly after the divorce and ask for the mini bar back. She told him "No, you got that for ME. It was a present TO ME, I'm keeping it."

So as the years pass, apparently this mini bar becomes her trump card, and she begins to find such glee in the fact that she is in possession of it. And he wants it. But he can't have it.

Janine is probably in her 80s these days. Eventually George passes away. Janine immediately had him cremated, because "he'd have hated that."

But it gets better.

She took his ashes, put them in a cardboard box, and stored them IN THE MINI BAR. She said "Well, he always wanted the damn thing, now he has it."

She wrapped up this little story by telling me that she'd show me the ashes in the mini bar, but her daughter took them and put them "in a nice container, with the grandparents. I told her though, don't put my ashes in there when I'm gone, because your dad will rise to the top and screw me."

I swear to you, only the names have been changed. The rest is absolutely what she said.

Very pretty, No?

*No thanks to me, of course. People should know that C worked really hard on them, and I'm just so happy with the way they came out. Also, I'm super happy because now that he put them in the mail, I can say later in our married life when I've pushed an eye rolling moment a little to far.... "yes but remember, YOU mailed the invitations, I didn't touch them. That means you can't escape. It does! I saw it on Westlaw just a week ago. It was a case reaffirming the "you are totally screwed" issue some guy in your EXACT situation tried to appeal. Something about "let the invitation mailer beware". I love law.


Al said...

Wow, Janine seems kinda...ummmmm, Psycho. But I can think of worse places to spend eternity than in a mini-car. Imagine it a party - "ohh ya, the good stuff is stashed behind George".
Sorry, couldn't see the invitation. Glad they got in the mail.

liannallama said...

OMG! What a freakin' funny story! I am LMAO! (I'm a friend's of MC, but I don't think I know you--thanks for making me laugh!)

theresa said...

Indeed, Janine is the Poster Child for Bitterness.

How did you keep a straight face while you were listening to her story?

AndyT13 said...

That's freakin' hysterical in a really sad and pathetic way.
I laughed anyway. :-)

ZooooM said...

Al, I'm soooo close to making it really hard for him to leave! Hopefully he won't mini-bar me before my time.

Liannallama! Hellooo! MC is the house renovation powerhouse! Do you live here or are you lucky enough to be in Ypsilanti with her?

T, all I could do was think "good stuff for the blog. must share with others."

Andy...I agree. Funny, but sad. But I choose more funny than sad.

The Management said...

More sad than funny. Hurting people, just to hurt them... Not so cool. Not at all.


don't know why i just did that

ZooooM said...

Otter funny. The reason I say I choose more funny than sad, is that I can't focus on other people hurting each other intentially. If I do, I begin to wonder what the point of living is. But I'm dramatic that way.

The Management said...
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