Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hidden Tracks on the Ten Commandments

Turns out that the Gee Omniscient Double Dizzle included 5 hidden bonus commandments on the stone tabs when he went into the studio.

C told me that I need to write them down. Am I really the only person who can see these?

11. Thou shalt not reach for Zoom's food without permission. Thou shalt especially never sneak a french fry or a black olive from her plate/area of food. Zoom doesn't always use a plate, so one must observe the invisible boundaries of Zoom's food.

11. (a) Thou shalt never EVER try to share Zoom's dessert.

12. Thou shalt not read Zoom's magazine(s) before she does. Doing so will cause the contents to evaporate, or so you would think by the hissy fit that follows.

13. Thou shalt not try to watch more than one show on t.v. at a time. Unless, of course, thou hast provided a second t.v. in the household with cable.

14. One sided tickle attacks: Commandment of Engagement - When one begins a tickle attack, thou shalt make the strike and GET OUT. There is no holding in tickling of this nature. Otherwise, screaming will be heard and kicking will be done.

15. Thou shalt never say "That's something your Mom would do/say", unless thou wantest a poke in the eye.

5 comments:

Rev. Brandy said...

Really, we need NO FURTHER EVIDENCE that somehow, we are related. However, Commandment #12 --- I have had to work SO HARD to get over the anxiety that allowing someone to read a magazine before I do kills kittens. Or certainly maims small children. Because the VIOLENCE of my reaction to such an infraction was, at one time, quite extraordinary.

Both my nutty mother and my (seems to be equally nutty, sometimes) sister share the propensity for new-magazine-swiping-violence.

By the way --- the digital camera is being held hostage by Fed Ex. Apparently, those ASSHATS are picking up where my stupid post office has left off, and I am in a telephone tussle with them NOW trying to get my merchandise!

Al said...

See Mel Brookes was right in "Wholly Moses". I always assumed the 5 mystery commandments were
1) thou shalt not steal my damn newspaper - i know who you are and I will have zoom get the Jeeber to smote you (Smote - funny word makes me laugh , I was I could smote people)
2) thou shalt not drink the last beer in without buying suitable replacements
3) thou shalt not change the channel during any of the following events - the fourth quarter, the ninth inning or the back nine. I may do this, but it is only because of the special male chromozonal make up gives me special sensory ablities to know when the commerical time out will return to the said sporting event.
4) thou shalt not even move the betting line to more than a 2 score favorite or dog without notifying everyone who has action on the said event
5) thou shall be generous - when someone in the bar buys you a drink, you should be kind enought to reurn the favor.

I also think that history removed part of the name in vain commandment. there was a adendum. It's perfect ok to use the the lord's (or anyone else's)name in vain after the two minute warning and someone scored blowing the spread

On that - zoom, talk to jeebus about the Cal/New Mexico state game. It's a 30 point spread, way to hard to resist. Tell him Daddy needs a new pair of golf shoes.

ZooooM said...

Rev, see, I know mom denies having you, but I'll break her with our evidence yet! I do hope the post office knows with whom they mess with. I also hope to get another great post out of you, via the post office (cracking myself up).

Al, wow. See, I think I saw wholly moses as a kid? Can't remember. I know Al Brooks movies are good, and the only one I've seen more than a couple of times is "Defending Your Life" and that's the one I can remember. It took me a while to appreciate that one too. Sometimes, actually more often than not, I'm a little slow.

And Al, OH MY JEEBER. I LOVE THE NAME JEEBER. And my C absolutely adores the word SMOTE! He tried to teach me Current Mystical Past Perfect Continuous Transitive Verb Mish Mash - he would have had better luck teaching me Trig.

But, both C and I will talk to Jeeber about your new shoes that are needed. And C will conjugate my squeaks for him.

The Idiot said...

Conjugate or translate, whatever need occurs first.

Case in point. Let me turn on my Zoom translator;

The minimally successful actor/director "Al Brooks" should be aged and whacky legendary director "Mel Brooks".

The very funny and cleverly written but often overlooked Albert Brooks film "Defending Your Life", should be either the (I'm guessing) Mel Brooks films either "Life Stinks" or "History Of The World"

Welcome to the wonderful world of Zoom's creative and randomly tangently hearing. It can get a little hairy sometimes. Everyone make sure they have a buddy.

Kathy said...

As funny as the first time I read your blog! Keep it up Girl...you're quite the entertainment package!