Monday, September 12, 2005

I Don't Get It.

Can anyone explain to me why Moms who ride in cars driven by their children insist on adjusting the seat in a way that only a very bendy circus performer would seem comfortable?

Maybe it's just MY Mom. And if so...can someone explain why my Mom - who is scared of my driving in the first place - positions herself so that her forehead is literally a half an inch away from the windshield? And really, I don't blame her for being nervous. I know I drive badly. But I can't relax when she's in pre-ejector seat position the entire time I'm trying to drive "properly".

And the back of the seat! She pulls it so far forward that while driving, I have the sensation that 1) An invisible person is trying to load an invisible cargo into the back seat of my truck, and they have pushed the seat forward despite it being occupied by her OR 2) that I should turn off my Mom's airbag because she appears to be in some kind of adult child seat. And I think one is instructed to turn off airbags for child seats in the front passenger seat.

The only other humans I've ever encountered that do this to car seats on purpose are the guys at the car wash. And they don't ever sit in it that way. Just vacuum.

My Mom's cheeks literally flap in the wind of the air conditioner when she speaks she's so close to the dash.

And the seatbelt. She can NEVER find the seatbelt. It is in the same place it has been for the last five years, but each and every time after adjusting the seat - she makes a comment about how it's impossible to find the seatbelt. As if I've moved it from it's BUILT INTO THE FRIGGING SEAT location just to mess with her. Well sheesh Mom. If you sat in the seat in a way that allowed your head to turn instead of being lodged between the dash and the headrest, you might be able to turn your head and SEE where the seatbelt is.

And this woman, who can't find a seatbelt inches away from her head insists on calling out the location of all cars within 50 feet of my vehicle. "You've got a red honda on your right, in your blind spot....and a Toyota 4 miles back that will reach your left blind spot in approximately 2.3 minutes."

So far the only benefit I can imagine this position grants her is the ability to spot empty parking places and taunt me with "There's one....OH! there's one....oh, that one you just passed was PERFECT....oh, nevermind....walking is fine with me. I could use it anyway...."


Al said...

LOL, Know what your going through. My mom will not drive on the freeway anymore, she's in her late 60's and hates traffic but will point out every other vehicles, road signs and billboards. Each time we pass a billboard she'll say the product on it. I had to drive her to Tampa a few weeks ago, I didn't think I was going to make it. She also will peek at the speedometer. If she thinks your speeding, she'll remind you of the fine.

ZooooM said...

Hooray! A partner in parental driving misery! Oh geeze...the reading of the signs. I have to admit I'm lucky in that department. I think it's because she's too busy calling out the cars around me.

Al said...

I also love the "there's a policeman" like they are insiviable to everyone but her

theresa said...

Once again, you and your mother have made my day!

Rest assured, you aren't the only one with a crazy mom in the passenger seat. My Mom has a habit of screeching any time something out of the ordinary happens on the road. Fifteen minutes into any trip, I'm joansin' for a valium.

Rev. Brandy said...

My kooky mother (lovingly [?] referred to as Joan Crawford, Mommie Dearest, or Mildred Pierce --- take your pick) was in a car accident in 1986. Since then, she has driven about 20 miles below the speed limit and as if she is the only car on the road. I live in Maryland, where safe driving distances (1 car length for every 10 MPH you are traveling) mean passing and merging space. Forget trying to leave a car length between you and the guy in front; some asshat from the neighboring lane WILL seize the opportunity to usurp that space and make it his or her own. It's nuts. SO driving with Kooky Mom in MD is just a recipe for me to develop a big old drinking problem. While I'm driving, actually, which would make things so much more palatable!

ZooooM said...

Maybe we are going about this all wrong. Maybe we should take the booze, the valium and the Xanax and give our moms a pre-drive mickey?

BTW Al, LOVE the police man thing.