Sunday, September 11, 2005

Palm Trees Are

...the undisputed "poodles" of the tree world. Actually, I believe they are worse than that.

Poodles are unfortunate dogs that have been made to look like they are the source of clown outfits. Waiting to be harvested and dyed wacky colors, and then sold to drunk department store santas who need work in the off season as kid party clowns. Or Halloween costumes.

Palm trees, on the other hand, grow that way. Long skinny trunks with a pouf on the top that does absolutely nothing in the way of providing shade. And all the new development here appears to have nothing but palm trees for landscaping.

I know other trees do quite well in this area. There are tons of them all over the place. Very shady places, I might add. So why do developers continue to utilize the ugly, non-shade providing poodles? Why?

And don't give me that "oh, because they are the native vegitation of the land" crap. Nothing about the land around me is native anymore, save a national park or two - maybe.

And even if you could give me a great reason to use them in landscapes, I'd still hate them. Just because I really hate direct sunlight and being hot, and I look like an idiot in a hat. I've got a child sized head on an adult sized body.

But maybe my dislike of palm trees goes further back - to when I was a kid.

I spent some time growing up on the Marine Base in 29 Palms with my two older brothers. I also spent the first 2 months after we were stationed in 29 Palms wondering why there were more than 29 palm trees - what was wrong with the people counting in this town? This did not help my already deeply rooted confusion of all things mathematic.

My brothers and I used to play in the desert on the base and often came accross live blanks and sometimes live ammunition. They discovered that if they took a fallen palm frond and connected the bullet to the frond with a bb between the bullet and the frond, they could throw the entire thing in the air and cause the ammunition to go off when it hit the ground. They totally MacGyvered a palm frond gun. This scared the hand me down tough skins right off of me, but I was sworn to secrecy. I don't know what scared me more - the bullets flying in random directions or the threats of "If you tell, we will get you." After all, they had just built a gun! I belived them.

People today worry about violence in video games. HAH! Apparently sending your kids outside to play with the plants is far more dangerous.


The Management said...

Zoom, I was going to post a comment on the post where you talked about my site. I wanted to explain that your comment about things in your head is the whole purpose of writing (ideas that you create on your own from all available information is the greatest gift a sentient being can have)....

However, I just read how you besmirched Palm trees...


Palm trees are the trees god has in heaven. They are shade on a perfect beach. They produce fruit for a perfect drink. The compliment the sound of a wave perfectly.

Palm trees are what keeps me going.



Rev. Brandy said...


Oh, no. The two of you talking could possibly be more entertaining than Otter and BOB talking --- and that's sayin' somethin'!

ZooooM said...

The managerial otter! My favorite insultinator! He totally makes me laugh!

And oh my gosh did the word "besmirched" make me giggle. What a great word!

C'mon, my otter friend. Shouldn't you be breaking open your dinner on your chest while you swim in circles instead of defending the land poodle trees? I think that managerial gig has made you forget your roots. (he he...roots.)

And YES, the palm tree IS uncool, which is my big 'ol point.

And unfortunately I can't read or respond to comments from the office - so we will have to conduct our tree debate in our totally different time zones.

Wait...I think I hear the call of the poodle tree...."arf!"

If palm trees could make it so that I could have net access that wasn't monitored like a tax return by a Survivor winner, then ok...I might give them a break.


The Management said...

See Zoooom (four "o's"... come on, 3 or 5 are WAY more aesthetically pleasing than 4), just when I go around thinking you MIGHT just not be a bad person you defend your Palm tree assult.

I'm not going to say the Palm tree is the most manly of trees (that OBVIOUSLY goes to Giant Redwoods... or Oaks or...stuff like that). However, the Palm tree is mighty in it's own way. Lets see your average Maple live off of basically salt water. Lets see your Spruce deal with the heat of the tropics. Lets see your Walnut comeback after a hurricane. You won't 'cause they can't.

Behold the POWER OF THE PALM!!!!!

Besides, what tree makes a better base for a hammock? What makes better thatching for your tiki bar?

Palm trees work hard FOR US, in the land of leasure.

Lastly, if you were a friend of the wonderful tropical palm tree... Well, lets just say your net access wouldn't be a problem.

Otter...something whitty here.

ZooooM said...

Here's where Otter's name plaque falls off of his managerial door, because he will now realize what a simpleton I am. And he will wonder how he ended up here, talking to me. Watch:

You know Otter, my friend's little boy went to the Aquarium in Long Beach this weekend. He's 4. He reported that the otters were his favorite part of the trip. He said "The otters were the best...BUT....they poop in the water. It's ok though, because it sinks to the bottom."

Conicidence? I don't think so.

I win.